| Former
Counter Terrorist Unit agent and reformed heroine addict Jack
Bauer is purported to be making many Los Angeles citizens
nervous by his mere presence. ‘I was getting’
groceries at Ralphs once,’ remembers Cy Whitmore, 42,
‘and in comes Bauer. He had a shopping cart and was
squeezin’ cantaloupes to check their freshness, but
I’m thinkin’ with him around, there’s a
high possibility terrorists are gonna blow up the city and
he’s the only one who can stop them despite mounting
personal and professional odds!’
Cy isn’t alone it this belief that Bauer and imminent
danger go hand in hand. According to reports, a vocal majority
of LA residents think the worst around Jack Bauer. ‘Odds
are, he’s after some terrorist he has a past with, or,
like, he’s rogue and is gonna hold me hostage because
it’ll somehow help him catch the bad guy while evading
his somewhat clueless and mislead superiors!’ exclaims
Teri McJonas, 28. ‘I don’t wanna be around the
guy! Sure, he’s a troubled, loner hero, but the poor
fella’s a shit magnet!’
 ‘One
time I was crossing the street, minding my own business,’
reminisces LA resident Chorito Gonzales, 61, ‘and Jack
Bauer was walking towards me, a squinty, determined look in
his eyes. First thing enters my mind: he’s after some
bioterrorist who hates America, but maybe also had some sort
of antagonistic relationship with him at some point years
ago that will no doubt come into play! Then I can’t
shake the feeling that he might be also carrying a virus that
he has to dispose of in ten seconds before it’s released
into the air and my nipples start bleeding on my way to a
gruesome, horribly painful death!’ Chorito shakes her
head. ‘I nearly shat myself that day.’
For his own mysterious reasons, enigmatically moody, chain-smoking
actor Kiefer Sutherland very vehemently takes issue with the
way people treat Bauer. ‘I can’t even go
to 'In ‘n Out' anymore without some idiot ducking behind
the counter, freaking out about a bomb or something,’
he indicates. We remind him that people fear Bauer, not him,
and Sutherland exhales a stream of smoke and defeatedly retorts,
‘Jack Bauer’s only a character I play on television.
I’m an actor! I’ve been in lots of other things--feature
films even!’ Sutherland explains, ‘I was in Disney’s
Three Musketeers movie. I was the, um, religious
musketeer, I think. I dunno, I didn’t pay much attention,
just kinda, well… it was a tough read, getting through
that script. But, um, I starred in… The Cowboy Way
with Woody Harrleson, and… that vampire movie from the
eighties… Lost Boys, directed by Joel Schumacher.
Wait, I was in Flatliners, too. That makes two movies,
hell, maybe three with Joel Schumacher--oh, he directed something
else I was in, where I was a sweaty hillbilly--damn. That’s
bad. Um… actually… maybe I’d rather people
just go ahead and think I’m Jack Bauer. Yeah. I’m
a determined American hero, not a talented yet kind of B List
actor. That’s fine with me.’ |
