|  Trevor: So, where the hell is this guy? I’ve been waiting like a patient little boy watching his presents glisten under the tree. AND I WANT TO OPEN ONE! Actually, I should take this time to shout out my Holiday Greetings: To my former black acting coach, Charles “Cha-Chi” Clitease in Seattle, my agent “Furious” Colkett up in Tally, to the fifth generation Irish slob, Angus O’Lambly of Naptown, my girl, of course, and last but not least, to the pinnacle of bi-sexual confusion, Audrine B. Please of Broward County, Merry Christmas you all! And don’t expect a goddamn thing!
DJ: Hey, hey-- sorry I'm late. I'm a dunce. What up?
Trevor: Nothin'. Waitin. I don't quite get this IM shit.
DJ: It's weird and magical. Most likely Satanic.
Trevor: Satan? YES! So, where do we start? What could we possibly say about this movie that hasn't been said?
DJ: Good point. Too good of a point. But let's not just give up. If most of our comments have been said by others... so be it! Never stopped me before...
Trevor: So, okay, first of all... WORD TO KOLCHAK!
DJ: Ah, word indeed. The dad. The Man. The Night Stalker. Darren McGavin. He rules this movie and is the most bad-ass dad ever. Back when dads were MEN, dammit.
Trevor: I would say this was a signpost in his career. I can't think of him in anything but Kolchak, The Night Stalker, this, and various X-Files cameos. Wait... do we need to recap this thing for the folks at home?
DJ: I was thinking that... Even though everyone should know by now, why don't you give a run down on the plot of A Christmas Story?
Trevor: Alright, kiddies... A Christmas Story is based on the sad and ironic life of Michael Jackson. Except in this case, absentee parental love and astronomical album sales are represented by the mythical and metaphorical Red Rider BB Gun, a toy coveted by the young and wise Michael surrogate, the main character, a one Ralphie Eduardo Villalobos Barnes. His last name was Barnes, wasn't it?
DJ: Few people know that if you play the album Thriller while watching A Christmas Story, movie and song match up perfectly. It's freaky.
Trevor: I tried to sell that small piece of trivia to IMDB for $25, but they told me to go yank myself. That doesn't stop me from loving this movie, of course. It's become somewhat of an institution, even though it's played way the hell out every year. It's like "The Thong Song" of Christmas movies.
DJ: Sisqo was up for the part of Ralphie, wasn't he?
Trevor: Yeah, a young and virginal Sisqo. Man, this IM shit is weird. Imagine if Ralphie had some instant messenger. He'd could down load a plan to drop a bomb on Scut Farkus’s butthole...
DJ: Oh, I had dinner with a group that included Scut Farkus, by the way. That was weird. He wasn't wearing the coonskin cap, which was disappointing.
Trevor: That sucks. You should’ve beat his ass down in the snow.
DJ: I considered it, but he was very friendly. And in much better shape than me. … And there was no snow.
Trevor: So, here are two important questions: 1) What is the very-special-warm-and-fuzzy message of the movie? and 2) Does it still make you laugh?
 DJ: 1) The message is that your family might be fucked up, your dad might be a nut who shouts obscenities at the furnace, and your little brother might be a freaky lil' parasite who won't eat except when your mom makes piggie sounds, but, goddammit, them's your family. That and kids are evil. And that's fun. 2) You know, it really does still give me some chuckles. Not as much as it used to, but I enjoy the hell out of it. You?
Trevor: Yeah. Hell yeah. It's the familiarity of it, I guess. I think TNT overduz it with the marathon, but I imagine that's a blatant testament to it's popularity. I can't really remember a time when I wasn't aware of this movie.
DJ: It's funny that it was a really low budget movie nobody really thought about from the director of Porky's when it was first made. It's nice when a flick gains popularity and a following because, you know, it's just damn good.
Trevor: I think something a lot people forget, myself included, is that it used to be a lot harder to attain any sort of underground, or word of mouth success. This movie has worked hard to be around so long, especially without the benefit, or ease, of the internet.
DJ: Yeah. It was popular enough in theatres to stick around for a while, then just kept going. I'm glad, too. Because it's funny and family friendly, but in a gruff, 100% beef, schmaltz free kind of way.
Trevor: As they say in French Lick, "Word to Bird!" It's a Midwest story, which makes it somewhat unique. Working class, for sure. But, somehow, told with the perfect amount of satire.
DJ: Yeah. Very solid, thick and sturdy Midwest (like me!). It takes place in Indiana (where the writer and narrator, the great Jean Shepherd, is from), but it was shot near my birthplace in Cleveland, OH. It's nice to see cold winters, lots of brick, and the like. Midwest Christmas = all American Christmas, for good and bad.
Trevor: The Midwest is pure America, through and through. Yeah, maybe that's it. Ralphie is the essential Midwestern figure. A future baby boomer with dreams of weaponry and picket fences. I say, Ralphie grew up, moved to Indianapolis, got married to a fat White Castle eatin’ bitch, and marveled at wondrous sights such as "THE MALL", and "THE SPEEDWAY," eventually getting laid off by the factory he slaves away for.
DJ: Damn, you're probably right. Poor Ralphie. The actor who played him, Peter Billingsly, is doing okay producing flicks with Jon Favreau, but Ralphie? Yeah, he probably had a rough time. And I'm guessing his little brother is in the clink for trying to touch little boys when he grew up. That's just my theory, though.
 Trevor: Yet, we shouldn't think of that way. Forgive me. Let's get happy and spiritual. What's your favorite moment? And do you remember the first time you watched it drunk?
DJ: Hmmm... favorite moment? There are so many, but the dad being so excited about his "fra-gee-lay" prize always sticks out in my mind. As for the first time I watched it drunk, well, my eyes have seen the world through a haze of booze since about '93...
Trevor: The lamp thing was genius. Now I feel bad for calling it "The Thong Song." It really is a brilliant little movie.
DJ: To be fair, look at the subtext and raw emotional power of "The Thong Song"... But, yeah, though A Christmas Story is overplayed, I welcome watching it at least once during the holidays every year. It's a swell little gem.
Trevor: It’s not quite A Wonderful Life played out, but I fear one day it will be. Until then, we should just be happy we have it as a modern holiday classic. Hey man, you’re gonna fix my typos, right?
DJ: Hell no, I’m not gonna fix your typos. I’ll bully Dustin into doing it. And I’ll be late next time, too.
Trevor: Well, then, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.
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