December 14, 2005

I don’t know about you, but I could use some help in selecting Christmas presents. Too often at this time of year, I stare blankly at the television, bombarded by the onslaught of holiday commercials. My eyes become as glazed as a Christmas ham, and my brain becomes as paralyzed as a snowman (sans magic hat) whenever I try to tackle the question of what to get the friends and relatives for Christmas. Is the Swiss-army multi-tool something that my brother and sister-in-law would actually use? Would a peeing snowman amuse or offend neighbor Rick? Did I already get coworker Cindy a singing paperweight?
 
You can imagine my elation when I recently spied a magazine article that promised a list of “Christmas Gifts For Everyone.” How perfect--let someone else do the thinking for me! I opened to page 14 and was given the following “simple” suggestions: diamond necklace. Vintage arcade game. A Vespa. What?? Who are these people? (And how did they get such high limits on their credit cards?) Seriously, this points to a deeper problem. Whatever happened to appreciation for the simple act of giving? What about the “meaning of Christmas” and all that jazz?
 
Disgusted, I decided that if the three wise men read up on crappy Christmas gift suggestions like this before they started out for Bethlehem, we would have a much different version of the Christmas story. I can just imagine their discussion:
 
Melchior: Hey, Caspar, what did you say you got the Christ Child to honor his birth?
 
Caspar: Frankincense. Balthasar said it would go nicely with the myrrh he got for him.
 
Melchior: (Groan) Dude! It’s hardened sap! What are you thinking? No kid is going to want to play with that. And according to this article in Better Inns and Mangers on the hottest gifts for the season, frankincense is on the way out this year. Do you want your gifts to the Lord to be outdated? What will the prophets say?
 
Caspar: I guess you’re right; I didn’t think about that. What if we stop off at HerodMart on the way, and I get him an Xbox 360? I hear that’s what all the first-born sons of Israel are getting this year.
 
Balthasar: Who are you, Santa Claus?
 
Melchior: Santa who? OH--here we go! Xbox 360… yea, the article puts that on the most-wanted list this year… I guess that sounds okay.
 
Balthasar: It is not okay--stopping off at HerodMart will make us late. And besides, the Christ Child is going to be getting tons of presents. Surely someone else has already bought him an Xbox 360.
 
Caspar: Well, what about just getting him a gift card, then, and he can pick out whatever he wants…
 
Balthasar: He’s two days old, man! He doesn’t know what he wants yet, and he doesn’t know to spend a gift card!
 
Caspar: Bal, he’s related to the all-knowing God, you realize--it’s a pretty safe bet he knows what he wants, even if he’s a day old…
 
Melchior: I still think an Xbox 360 is a good idea; the article says it’s a hot item. And besides, it’s a useful learning tool--it’ll give him practice smiting. Mary’s got to appreciate that.
 
Balthasar: I’m not so sure… I hear she’s pretty mild.
 
Caspar: Well, if he gets two, he can take one back… I’m sure they’ll accept a return from Christ…
 
Balthasar: I still say it’s going to make us late.
 
Melchior: We’ve anticipated his birth for over a thousand years, Bal. I don’t think 20 minutes is going to make a difference.
 
Balthasar: Fine. I’m loading the camels.
 
Not quite the same, is it? So I guess I’ll have to do the thinking for myself again this year, and hope that my friends and relatives won’t be counting on an Xbox 360. Or a Vespa. I hope they’ll be satisfied with a handmade figurine from a local Austin artist, and the knowledge that I was thinking about them when I saw it. In fact, I hope they’ll be okay just in knowing that I’ve been thinking about them all year, and searching for that perfect present--whether I found it in the end of not. And I think they will. Because after all, appreciating each other is what it’s all about.

Laura Redfern was stuck for a topic until she had an epiphany to write about the Magi.

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