| With the prospect of another movie soon to be released, it’s only a matter of time before we start hearing about Harry Potter again. The H.P. phenomenon has always been a matter of curiosity to me--while on one hand, it’s really not that bad of a series, and even if it does seem to be more about the hype than the actual books, it did cause a resurgence of reading in both children and adults. On the other hand, it’s also a lot like getting cold sores… the virus is always there in your system and periodically you get annoying blisters that remind you that the virus is there. H.P.’s the same way--ever since he initial outbreak in 1998/99, it’s been there lurking, waiting to resurface every six months to a year. I speculate that this will continue for many more years, or at least until the girl that plays “Hermione” in the movies passes through the pop-culture arc of “hot jail-bait / trendy icon / overexposed skank” that has been set forth by the likes of Britney Spears.
 But despite getting over saturated with H.P. ink, there really is a lot of enjoyable material in the series. For one, it gets us to imagine what it would be like to live in a world with magic. It makes ordinary readers like you and me wonder what it would be like if WE were the ones with magical powers. Would we use our magical abilities to make the world a better place? Would we be caught up in grand, sweeping adventures? Maybe. As I’ve been thinking about the concept of living in a world with magic, though, I’ve come to the realization that the wonder would be in the details--screw all this high adventure crap, I’m going to be using magic to make my everyday life less tedious and more interesting.
All things considered, if we as a modern society are going to be so gung-ho on inventing time-saving devices and appliances (well, if our collective name is “Ron Popiel,” at any rate), would it make sense to apply magic to the same tasks? With that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of spells that I would immediately begin to develop should I ever develop some kind of innate magical ability:
Grovemiller’s Compendium of Mundane Spells and Cantrips
Want results? Just say the word!
For use at home…
Postus Affixus - Generates proper postage for mail when you can’t find any stamps.
Scrubbus Bubblio - Removes pesky soap scum and mildew from your sink, tub and shower--even hard water stains!
Parse Expiria - Removes food from your refrigerator that is past its expiration date.
Stain Stickio - Pre-treats problematic stains on your laundry with just a wave of the wand.
Anal Retentus - Use this handy spell to alphabetize books, music, DVDs, spices… anything that has a name and goes on a shelf.
Refundio - Does your taxes.
...at work…
Disconnectus - Mysteriously causes your telephone to stop functioning for one to two hours.
Toner Replentus - Eliminate the need for repeated “Toner Low” warnings on your office printers.
Solitaire Illusionare - Creates the illusion of you working on spreadsheets when, in fact, you’re playing solitaire.
…on the go…
Inflatus - Sets your car tires to the correct pressure.
Poo Evaporatus - For the pet-owning city wizard. No more need for messy scoops and bags!
Lippus Chappo - no more need to carry around expensive and cumbersome lip balms, this spell will coat your poor smackers with a warm layer of SPF 15 lip balm--now with Shea butter.
Generatio Bumbershoot - Forget your umbrella? No worries, just conjure up an umbrella of any size to keep you nice and dry.
Oustus Scento - covers up any embarrassing bathroom smells--particularly useful when visiting friends!
…and for play!
Wrappus Removeus - Easily opens new CDs and DVDs, thus saving you countless hours of aggravation.
Defunk - A must for those that rent their bowling shoes.
Shank Correctus - Handily retrieves your lost golf ball from event he most precarious lies.
Bosom Liberato - Use this one to unhook your lady-wizard’s bra--amazingly useful for the mechanically inept!
Fellatio - Uh…. kids, ask your mom about this one.
Really, the possibilities would be practically endless. I suppose that I could even go so far as to get my own infomercials to peddle my series of useful little spells. That only leaves the question of who would be my lovely spokesmodel… although I suppose it’s entirely possible that “Hermione” may have worked her way our of the “skank” phase of the pop-culture arc by then and will be looking for a way to start a career resurgence. |
