| We've
all had jobs that we didn't want to do for one reason or another.
Reasons include (but are not limited to):
“It's too hard.”
“It will take too much of my valuable time that I need
to spend on personal
and other non-work related projects.”
“It's too icky."
“I have a degree or degrees, so this job is beneath
me.”
The list goes on and on--we've all been there more times than
we'd like to admit. Well, now there are numerous ways to avoid
that uncomfortable feeling that we are shirking our responsibilities,
while at the same time get the job done with a minimum of
hassle.
Granted, some of these solutions may turn out to be more work
than the original job, but who cares if the solution is more
interesting than just buckling down and doing it right the
first time.
The Metaphysical approach:
There are numerous ways of confronting almost any task using
metaphysics; These are only a few of the many possible ways
of addressing the task at hand. The first method is very simple
and requires a minimum of understanding of metaphysics vocabulary,
although the first time you read it, you may not understand
the procedure fully until you reach the end of the description.
First Method:
First, fast for three days to put yourself in a suitable frame
of mind--no liquids other than homogenized yak milk should
be consumed during this interval. This three-day interval
also moves you closer to the deadline to complete the task, thereby
augmenting the sense of urgency. This increased sense
of urgency is desirable.
Place yourself, standing in a suitable environment where there
is a minimum of karmic disturbance and where Feng Shui
is optimized. It is important to be standing throughout the
following:
Concentrate to feel the energy flowing through you. Center
yourself. Focus your energies to flow with that in your environment.
Experience the environmental energy as well as your own.
Use the force, Luke.
Now, after blocking out your own energies and functioning
only on those of the environment, focus your Chi. Optimize
your Yin and Yang to aid in choosing an optimum paradigm.
Once you have reached true enlightenment and the
optimum paradigm is revealed, move forward on this plane,
into a regressed transcendental state of hyperawareness that
will create a vague, but highly focused out of body experience.
Once outside your body, you are almost ready to begin using
the energies available to you. From outside your body, step
around behind yourself, kick your body in the butt, and in
a clear, properly enunciated thought/voice, tell yourself
that you are procrastinating, go get something healthy to
eat, tell yourself to get off your lazy butt (speaking figuratively,
since you should still be standing at this point), accept
reality and get to work on the project. And don't bug other
people about it. In the words of that ancient Greek god, Nike,
"Just Do it!" Oh, and pitch out the Yak milk. It's
probably spoiled by now anyway.
After all, if there were an easier solution that works, don't
you think someone would have found it by now?
Second Method:
This method requires a Channeling Crystal that can be picked
up at any good (expensive) "New Age" supply
store. Don't scrimp. Cheap crystals will invariably fail to
meet your needs, at least in this area. (So will the expensive
ones, but at least you’ll know that you went first class.)
A Channeling Crystal is a crystal with a large seven-faceted
face and a triangular face on the backside. It is believed
by some (most often, the seller) that the Channeling
crystal can be used for divining information from deep within
your physical subconscious self or from sources that are outside
of the user's normal realm.
According to many noble New Age Mystics, the number seven
is a metaphysically significant number symbolic of the
student, the mystic, and the seeker of deeper truths and spiritual
wisdom. That, presumably, would be you. Nobody ever said that
these mystics could count accurately, nor that they ever had
any desire to do so.
The number seven is also significant in the ancient dice game
of "Craps." Just the name of the game alone, lends
the appropriate credence to this belief, even though dice
used for this game have only six facets.
Each side of the seven facets of the crystal's main face represents
the seven attributes that the prospective user's consciousness
must attain in order to access and channel the knowledge and
energies of the inner soul. Just what these seven attributes
are will be left as a metaphysical exercise for the reader.
The usually brown-tinged triangular face on the backside of
the crystal represents the relationship between your
face (specifically your nose) and the boss's backside. This
relationship is another (often unsuccessful) alternative
solution to your problem.
Now that you have your crystal in hand, hold it such that
the point is oriented toward your forehead, using the Kaleechigalinopolis-Fnortson
two-handed grip.
After a brief settling period of a few hours to allow the
crystal to orient on your brain, you are almost ready to begin
using the energies available to you.
When you feel your inner self leave your body, step around
behind yourself, get off your lazy butt (literally speaking
this time, because, as everyone knows the Kaleechigalinopolis
- Fnortson standing two-handed grip must always be accomplished
from a sitting position), kick your body in the butt, and
in a clear, properly enunciated thought/voice, tell yourself
that you are a lazy procrastinator, tell yourself, “no,
I don’t need another snack,” tell yourself to
accept reality and get to work on the project. After all,
you don’t really believe any of the rest of this bullshit
will do the job for you do you?
Third Method:
This method is often used by the Neuveau New Age non-cogniscenti
and is considerably less elegant than the previous methods.
This approach often totally disregards Transcendental
Meditation, transcends dental medication, ignores planar
orientation and disregards Feng Shui and internal bodily energy
flow. For users of this method, the latter is often low anyway
from using company time for non-company related tasks or complaining
about other unrelated (often non-existent) stressors.
First, find the person who is most nearly capable of walking
on water. This person can usually be identified by the
fact that they always get projects done on time, are willing
to work after hours when necessary, is organized and
seldom, if ever, loses their "cool." In this sense,
the word, “cool,” is a Zen term whose meaning
you may not comprehend if you have read this far with a straight
face.
Suggest to this person's boss that this person should be "cross
trained" in the knowledge and skills to do the job
that you supposedly have the necessary skills to do.
If this fails, or the person balks at the idea of spending
even more time after hours and on weekends to do this job,
(your job!) resort to coercion of the person's boss,
whining, absenteeism, and, if necessary, character assassination.
The latter is best avoided if possible, as the person you
have chosen, assuming that you haven't chosen poorly, probably
already has an iron-clad character and a "known good"
work ethic, unlike yourself. Attempting character assassination
under these circumstances often results in a condition
known to only a few old Tibetan Monks. Translated to English,
it means "Shooting yourself in the foot."
Now that you are aware of just how silly and irresponsible
this alternative is, tell yourself to get off your lazy
butt, accept reality and get to work on the project. And don't
bug other people about it!
After all, if there were an easier solution that works, don't
you think someone would have found it by now?
When you have completed the task, you will miraculously find
that you have finally avoided that uncomfortable feeling you
get from shirking your responsibilities. |
