| In
1872, when Columbus sailed the ocean orange, he wasn't looking
for the United States of America. His compass was damaged
in an intense after-shower game of grab-ass aboard his vessel,
the U.S.S. Piñata, causing him to go off course from
his intended destination of Turkey. This is why, on every
Thanksgiving, we celebrate the Pilgrims going out to a turkey
dinner with the Indians in celebration of them being glad
Columbus discovered them some fifty-three years earlier.
Furthermore, this is also why Benjamin Franklin suggested
our holy America's state bird be, in fact, the turkey. Despite
the historical significance he meant to invoke, that dumbest
of birds came in third place behind Jorge Washington's suggested
Bald Eagle and Abe Lincoln's beloved parrot, Mr. Snappers,
in the "Great American Bird 300 Meter Dash" used
by our four fathers (the fourth being Ronald W. Reagan Sr.)
to determine which bird would go on our country's flag when
they had Whistler's Mother sew it during during the Boston
Tea Party of 1938.
Incidentally, Washington liked his tea with six spoonfuls
of sugar in the raw, leading to his teeth falling out and
his having to chop down a cherry tree for the wood to make
his new chompers.
All of this because Christopher Columbus kept his compass
in his back pocket. |
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