Sheep Slingers
 
So, I work at this place where we sell stuff, right? Anyway, one of our cutomers comes in to buy some of our stuff the other day and we get to talking and before you know it the topic of sheep smuggling comes up.
 
Don’t ask questions, just go with it.
 
“Sheep smuggling?” says I. “Is that like Texas Gerbil Shooting?” He assured me it wasn’t after a brief explanation and biography of Richard Geere on my part. “So, they actually smuggle sheep, like, for real?” says I. Yeah it’s true.
 
This customer of mine, he’s from Jordan, which is a country a little ways east, I guess. When he lived there he was in the Jordanian army (which was convenient) in this special unit whose sole purpose was to keep sheep smugglers from taking sheep into Syria, which is also out east. Turns out, for some reason, sheep are way cheaper in Jordan. In the middle of the night these shephards would sneak their flocks across the border to sell them in Syria for some serious jack. Apparrently the Jordanian government was really down on this ‘cause they miss out on revenue or some shit. I don’t know, I quit listening after a while. But the point is, yeah -- sheep smuggling!! What the hell, right?! Would that not be the most bizarre episode of cops ever? (Insert your own ‘baaad boys’ joke here.) Apparently, these dudes had their shit together too. They would outfit the entire flock with little sponges on their feet. Hoof fuckin’ silencers. Can you imagine tying little pieces of sponge to 2,000 fidgity sheep at two o’clock in the morning? Then they would send a diversion flock out. Then, while the Jordanian Sheep Task Force was like “Dude, I hear sheep.” and went in one direction after a few hundred sheep, the smugglers squirt across in the other direction with the masses. That’s pretty fucking clever for a sheep herder, in my opinion. Not to mention world class patience on those fucking sponge booties. Word to you on that my friends.
 
My customer also told me that when your Operation: Keep the Sheep replacement came, they would check the area for hoof prints to make sure you didn’t strike a lucrative deal with said sheep herders. Then when they were done, they’d sweep it all clean again or whatever -- like I said, I was in and out. But the point is how the hell do you determine the street value of a flock of silenced sheep? Is it standardized in the sub-culture like five bucks for doob? Do you just know you’re supposed to get paid off so much for however many sheep you let cross? But what about the really primo sheep? The fatties. The hydroponic sheep. How do you tell those apart? You don’t wanna get ripped off. I mean, it’s not like some sheep are sticky with red hairs, right?
 
By the way, does virgin wool really come from ugly sheep? Somebody told me that once. I don’t think that’s very nice, not to mention stereotypical. Besides I come from a place where the men are men and the sheep are pretty fuckin’ nervous, so believe you me there aren’t too many who haven’t had theirs, you dig? And imagine these poor shephard bastards out there on the range. I’d bet money there aren’t too many married shephards. Who wants to live in a tent in the desert? And just what are these sheep eating by the way? I’m no geographologist...geographian...guy who knows geography, but I don’t remember too many rolling fields in the middle of the fucking desert! I think maybe that guy was full of shit. That’s fucked up. Why would he lie to me like that? I liked that guy too. Ah, screw it. Anyway, where was I? Damn. It was something about..man. All I can think of is “American Gigolo”. That’s weird. Shit. My short term is just not what it used to be. Guess I’m done.

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If you like small, fuzzy animals, Tadd encourages you to email him.