You know what I just saw a minute ago? I’m tryin’ to watch my weekly dose of “Survivor: Boobies and Volcanoes” when I’m brutally interrupted by a dog food commercial. As a rule, I hate commercials. They interrupt the flow of things, no pun intended. This one in particular is probably my favorite one to hate now -- not because it was for dog food, but because it was for dog-people-food. Dog food that looks like food people eat. This product was canned dog food with peas, carrots, and beef in some kind of gravy. It started to make me hungry. Dog food shouldn’t make me hungry! I don’t need that complex, I’ve already got plenty!

Besides, how picky can dogs really be? I’ve seen ‘em eat their own shit! And not even fresh turds! They even eat the ones that have been laying in the yard for a month and are starting to turn all white and stuff. I bet I’m not the only one who’s seen a dog vomit and immediately look at it and almost shrug like, “Well, it was pretty good the first time,” and chow down. The point is, they’re dogs; that’s their station in life. The commercial people were all like, “You know your dog really wants to eat what you eat.” No fuckin’ shit he wants to eat what I eat! We’ve all seen what they snack on in the living room between meals of regurgitated feces haven’t we? That’s right. Think about that the next time you let a strange dog lick your face. The bottom line is, if the mutts are willing to eat anything that’s not nailed down and nosh on any of their own bodily functions, why in the hell do you think I’m gonna run out and buy them gourmet beef stew?

The fact of the matter is, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I think the public at large has lost its collective fucking mind. You know what we have to blame? Bottled water. I’m 28 years old. I grew up drinking water right out of the tap. For years I did this and I lived less than ten miles from an uranium enrichment plant! Sweet Kooter Jones, if hydrating myself with toxic runoff isn’t gonna kill me then why am I worrying about a few bacteria? But all you gotta do is show people an enlarged microscopic image of the little booger that causes “Montezuma’s Revenge,” and people run screaming for the hills. Sure, it looks like something out of a Riddley Scott flick -- I’ll give you that -- but it’s tiny! If you had a million of them in your glass you still wouldn’t be able to see them! Okay, that sounded a little creepy. Strike that last part. But still, you don’t see any dehydrated Mexicans in Mexico do you? Have they been drinking bottled water since the conquistadors? Noooo…

My point is this: If you can get people to buy a bottle of something that will eventually fall out of the sky into any container you have, you can get them to buy anything. Beef stew for dogs, disposable mops, air fresheners that spray themselves, pizza with no crust, ice cream with no sugar, wheels that spin after your car stops, the Golf Channel, war instead of education or health care, thongs for 12 year olds, non-alcoholic beer, slip-ons with shoe strings, cowboy boots, anything. Just ask anybody at QVC.