The Day The Vote Stood Still
 
So it seems that all I have heard about for the last two months – on radio, on television, in the break room – is the upcoming election. And, just like when you repeat a word over and over and over, it gradually loses its meaning and begins to sound foreign, so all this repetitious news coverage has, to my little brain, worn down the whole electoral process to a nub of absurdity. The other day, as I was listening to yet another news story on my drive home from work, I began to wonder what the Presidential election would look like to an outsider. I’m not talking about a person from one of the other countries on Earth (who are constantly in various states of either being really pissed off at the U.S. or really kissing our ass, regardless of who is President) – I’m talking about the ultimate outsider: how would the election appear to a space alien?

Bdojk: StarDate 20133 – I have been picking up some new vocabulary recently in my observation of the humans. More and more, I overhear the words “vote” and “Election Day” on their “TV” boxes. One box will say that the humans should “vote” for their man because the other “candidate” is a bad man. Another box will say that the human who made that statement is a liar. Then lots of other boxes will say that both “candidates” resemble zoo animals, and the humans all laugh.

Mother Ship: Bdojk, are you making this up?

Bdojk: No, really – they are getting into quite a stir down here over this thing they are calling “the Presidential Election.” I am told that it only happens once every four years – kind of like the eruption of Mount Jovlir.

MS: Oh! So they are preparing by gathering massive amounts of food for storage and bundling up in special weatherproof outerwear? That would be something to see!

B: No, they only did that when snow was reported in some place called “Dallas”… right now they are placing signs outside of the places where they sleep, telling other humans to do what they say they are going to do on this “Election Day.”

MS: Oh. That is not nearly as exciting as seeing them rub their legs together in a frenzy of musical celebration before the females consume the males.

B: Perhaps not, but it is still highly unusual for them. In fact, the only other time I have seen this sort of behavior is for an event called a “garage sale.” But during that event, the humans that visit get to take something home with them, which doesn’t seem to be the case here.

MS: So what is the point to this “Election” event, then?

B: As with much human activity, it is hard to tell – but if I have the concept right, each human who remembers and cares enough to make the effort will go to a special checkpoint on “Election Day.” In reward for remembering to do this, they get to have a say in who their next leader will be.

MS: I thought these creatures did not have just one leader. Did you not say in report #19045 that they operated under some kind of TuPac system?

B: I think you are thinking of the two-party system, Mother. And yes, the humans do operate under this system, but this leader or “President” is one part of the system. He seems to be the one that goes out to other countries and tells them how they should be doing things.

MS: I see. Well then, Bdojk, what “President” will you vote for on this “Election Day”?

B: Actually, as a nonresident alien, I am not permitted to vote.

MS: Oh. Bummer.

B: But the one they call “John Kerry” looks a little like my uncle Dkorch – without the tentacles…

~~~~~

We've secretly replaced Laura's vitamins with hallucinogenic drugs. Let's see if she notices.