| Hey,
‘sup.
So a lot has happened since we last spoke. We got a new Pope,
Martha Stewart was named one of Time Magazine’s 100
Most Influential People, and Coby got kicked off of Survivor:
Palau . Really intense and important things, man. But let’s
talk about the big story. The revolutionary new policing technique
that everyone across the country is talking about.
The SWAT monkey.
That’s right. Sean Truelove -- I swear I’m not
making this up -- a Special Weapons and Tactics “veteran”
in Mesa, Arizona came up with the idea. He wants to train
capuchin monkeys for hostage situations and the like. Not
only does he want to put the black pajamas on Ross’s
Marcel, he’s trying to get the Federal Government to
pay for it. Truelove’s been researching the possibility
of a $100,000 grant to train one. This funky cat says the
notion of the Police Primate came to him in a dream. Do you
suppose in this dream it was also dressed like a Catholic
school girl, dancing provocatively? Just me? Okay.
I love this guy’s creativity. I think this could open
the door for all kinds of zoological cooperatives. We could
have pigeon traffic cops -- They could be fitted with little
cameras on their legs, that way they could get those bastards
that turn in front of you against the light even though they
clearly see it’s red. Or they could be utilized in high
speed chases for tracking purposes. The black and whites could
fall back and let the pigeon covertly fly overhead until the
perpetrator gets to his final destination. Just think about
the sheer numbers! A whole flock of tracking pigeons?! You’d
never fuckin’ escape those bitches! How about some goats
for the Department of Sanitation? Those crazy things eat anything.
Teach ‘em to walk the streets and eat litter. Give ‘em
little uniforms with diapers built in and you’re covered.
I’m also working on a giraffe idea for the fire
department. It seems so obvious, I just have to work out the
logistics. And why stop with civilian agencies? I mean seriously.
An honest to God Navy seal! That shit would be off the hizzook,
yo! Those are some smart mothers too, right? They’d
be all defusing underwater land mines and shit. We could be
on the verge of something huge here people! Give that man
a grant!! |
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