| I
know that this is hard to believe, but I am just arrogant
enough to think that I could and should rule the world and
that all of humanity and 75% of the rest of the carbon-based
life forms on the planet would be better off with me at the
helm than as we stand now.
That said, my first act as sovereign of Fleighworld (as it
shall henceforth be called) shall be to institute the ONE
KILL RULE. By decree, each and every person, regardless of
geographic location, economic or social situation, or education
is born with ONE FREE KILL. Yes, people, one. Perfectly free,
no strings attached and no direct consequential punishment
-- we each can kill one person at any time, anywhere and no
one can do anything about it… except use a free kill
against us.
Now, I know that this sounds frightfully cold-blooded and
extraordinarily inelegant from someone with as much class
and human kindness as myself, but let me explain that the
practicality of having ONE FREE KILL utterly overrides any
lingering misgivings over any superannuated codes of morality.
Indeed, the ONE KILL RULE would not belong merely to our Bill
of Rights but to our Bill of Responsibilities.
Obviously, by the time I ascend to leader of the world, I
will have won the adulation of the entirety of the populace
and will have naught to fear for my own life (though you may
rest assured that I will maintain my very own arsenal and
know very well how to use every bit of it in self defense).
However, I happen to be of the opinion that there are just
too damn many people inhabiting the planet and it would be
a disservice to outer space to send our extras there arbitrarily
(look at Liberia for crying out loud). So, instead, the ONE
KILL RULE functions as a sort of population control.
Yes, I recognize that the transfer of power to me promises
to be messy, but I am all right with that as long as the end
result is that we all have more room to breath when the first
round of FREE KILLers have settled down. We clean up, dust
off, learn how to shoot, fight and poison and hope that we
haven’t pissed anyone off sufficiently that we would
be their first choice to make the world a better and less-populace
place (look, I’ve already started using the royal “we”).
Of course, there have to be some ground rules. One: no mulligans.
Two: it is a worldwide system. Three: no diplomatic immunity.
Four: you can dispose of your FREE KILL as you see fit; i.e.
use, gift, sale, bequeathal, etc. Five: if you die without
disposing of your ONE FREE KILL, no one else gets it. Six:
if your one act of murder kills more than one person, you
have overstepped your ONE FREE KILL and you will be punished.
Seven: kill brokers may be used in order to market your FREE
KILL to the highest bidder. Eight: you may purchase the FREE
KILLs of others but must maintain proper documentation of
said transaction. Nine: there shall be no governmental taxation
or regulation on FREE KILLs or their sale/barter. Ten: FREE
KILLs may be used as collateral though they may not be handed
over as ransom.
We all know the rules now, and so I shall endeavor to persuade
you that this is, indeed, a socio-economic necessity. First,
imagine the frustration relief! We’ve all wanted to
just throttle at least one person sometime in our lives, and
how much healthier we’d all be if we could have done
it. Murder is a pretty psychically detrimental thing and we
(those who had used our ONE FREE KILLs) would understand much
better the value of human life and would probably be fairly
peaceable thereafter. Second, those who wish to renounce their
FREE KILLs could turn a handy profit by brokering FREE KILLs
to militias, police and psychopathic mass murderers (who happen
also to have inherited, stolen or married into wads of cash
that they piss away buying others’ FREE KILLs).
Finally, this rule brings humanity back to sane numbers and
restores a sense of immediacy to life. Ultimately, people
would begin to recognize that the person they cut off in traffic
that morning has every legal right to blow their bloody brains
out, and perhaps we’d all be a little nicer . |
