| Author's
note: In light of the fact that I'm supposed to be "on
vacation" from writing
for the footnote this month, I decided to cheat by
fleshing this older essay out a bit and shedding some new
light on it. With the final installment of "Star Wars"
nearly here, I though it was the perfect time to revist one
of my favorite pieces. Happy reading! -- Dustin
~~~~~
I
got an email from Darth Vader yesterday.
It was actually quite surprising, since it arrived in one
of the email accounts that I generally use for correspondence.
I’ve never had a social relationship with Darth Vader
-- considered sending him a Christmas card once, but then
I remembered that Jedis, even evil ones, probably don’t
take a lot of stock in either Jesus Christ OR Saint Nicholas.
All these intentions aside there was never a line of communication,
yet now there was an email from sender "Darth Vader"
right there wedged between one from my mom and my daily email
copy of "Foxtrot."
I have to admit, it was kind of cool to see that. Darth Vader,
Dark Lord of the Sith -- wholly a badass any way you look
at it -- was emailing me. Just like I was one of his Imperial
posse.
So it was with a little giddy anticipation that I opened the
email, and quite disappointingly it wasn't a "shout out"
from my main man Darth, but it proved to be something along
the lines of the usual omnipresent spam. But still -- it was
from sender "Darth Vader," so it warranted my attention
all the same. You don't ignore things from THAT guy. There’s
a trail of dead bodies out there somewhere that teaches us
that lesson.
So it turns out that Darth had gotten his very own credit
card company, and he wanted me to know that I was pre-approved
to receive a nice, shiny piece of plastic emblazoned with
his very own black-helmeted visage. Not only that, I would
have newfound "purchasing power" at millions of
locations around the globe with no annual fee! Damn, Vader
was pulling out all the stops. He must have really valued
my business as well -- one would think he could have outsourced
sending me an email out to any number of Imperial flunkies,
yet here he was taking the time to personally send me a note
to offer me an amazingly low APR on balance transfers.
 Did
I mention his picture was on the card? I'd be an instant hit
at any store that I used my new plastic; "Hey, look at
this!" they'd cry, "This guy's got a card with Darth
Vader on it! That's WAY cooler than my boring old Discover
Card. The Force has GOT to be with this guy when he's buying
stuff!" *
That's about when the logistics of Darth Vader administering
a financial institution began to creep ever so slowly into
my mind. Questions began to form, one by one emerging from
the depths of my psyche:
If this guy's in a time "long, long ago," what the
heck will that do to my payment schedule?
Same thing with the "galaxy far, far away" part
-- how much will postage be to make a payment? Would it compromise
what I'd be saving in interest?
What kind of hidden fees might there be? If Vader's got to
help finance an entire empire, the money has to come from
somewhere after all - the first time I miss a payment, I could
end up paying some Stormtrooper's annual salary.
On second thought, what if I was REALLY late on a payment?
Would he send a bounty hunter like Boba Fett after me? Or
would he just call me up and use the Force to choke me to
death? Heaven forbid he should roll into town with that Death
Star thing looking for my delinquent ass.
Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Darth has a real knack for financial
management. Hell, I'd like to have him do my taxes every year
-- let's see the IRS try to mess with him over a few questionable
deductions. But all the same, the whole Darth Vader line of
credit concept was starting to unnerve me a little. What if
this was just some dark side plot to ruin my credit rating?
Spending leads to debt, debt leads to the dark side. Suddenly
I’d no longer be welcome to shop at places like The
Sharper Jedi.
I skimmed deeper into the message, my curiosity waning...
Whoa! I could opt to get a "Yoda" card!? That
clinched it for me -- it had to be some kind of trick, because
there is NO way that Yoda would ever get into business with
Darth Vader. Not after that whole destroyed-everyone-in-a-baptism-of-evil
thing. Even if he did, there's no way I'm letting some little
guy that lives in a swamp track the "Star Wars Rewards"
points I'd be earning.
Wait a sec -- If I passed on this offer, I’d be out
of the chance to earn "Star Wars Rewards" points
with every purchase. That temptingly sounded kind of cool...
maybe I could earn enough to get a lightsaber or something.
I scanned the message one more time, thinking about it. I
guess it seemed reputable enough... and the words “Jar-Jar"
didn't appear anywhere. All I had to do was follow the link
at the bottom to apply.
After another moment of thought, I opted not to. I ran the
cursor over to the "delete" button and sent that
thing to the depths of Hotmail oblivion. I just couldn't get
over the feeling that a guy that so badly screwed up his family
affairs shoudn't be allowed to take a hand in my financial
life -- even if it WAS a black-gloved robotic fist of badassness.
*They’d say that out loud, but in their heads the cries
of “NEEEEEEEEERRRRRRD!” would ring loud and long.
|
