Green Is The Color Of Money
 
I couldn’t sleep the other night. At some point over a dinner of fast food, I’d realized that society was going down a really, really bad path. It’s all because of these diet trends and fads, you see. I think that they’re opening the door for something really awful: a reality of Soylent Green.
 
Now, this may ring a bell with some of you -- Soylent Green was a 1973 film starring Charleton Heston. The premise of the film revolves around this wonderful foodstuff called “Soylent Green” that was the great humanity-saving artificial bounty of the day (2022 in this case). Not to be a spoiler here, but I need to cut to the chase… Soylent Green was made out of people.
 
It’s people! It’s made out of peeeeeeeple!
 
Wow, I miss Phil Hartman. Anyhow…
 
Perhaps you’re reading this and being a naysayer, muttering things like “Okay, we’re never going to be cannibals. Humanity’s not that twisted.” Well, I might be a little cynical, but I think that at the rate we’re going, it could happen. All of this obsessing over bad dieting fads is going to really lower our standards. Acceptable and well-thought-out eating will become a thing of the past. And that’s when it’s going to happen. Some sick person is going to start manufacturing Soylent Green, and the herds of humanity will flock to it, all too eager to ignore the possibilities of what’s in it.
 
So after a night of losing sleep over this, I suddenly got over the block. How? A sensible person may deny the likelihood of this happening, but sensibility of thought hasn’t done that much for me so far -- so no point in starting now. Instead, I’m going to jockey for position and get in on the ground floor of a fledgling industry. Yep! I’ve prepared a preliminary marketing plan for Soylent Green. Hell, I figure that if anyone actually uses this, I’ll either get paid for it or I’ll sue ‘em. Any way you go, I get a pile of cash that enables me to buy a farm and ensure that I personally grow what I’m eating (but not in that “Motel Hell” kind of way -- that would defeat the purpose, wouldn’t it?). So join me now as we start…
 
Getting to know Soylent Green: You are what you eat!
 
The potential for brand recognition of Soylent Green (“SG”) is obviously vast, as it will be an original entry foodstuff to the market. SG will be in a position to secure absolute dominance in almost every food-type, thanks to the uniqueness of the brand. Brand recognition is easily established -- all SG products can be identified by their universal color scheme, logically of a medium green hue. Since green is also the traditional color of “healthier” product packaging, the consumer seeking alternatives to fatty food will subconsciously be drawn to it already. Any enhanced SG products developed down the line that are further reduced in fat or calories can adopt a light green hue for packaging. Note the lighter color will naturally lend itself to a “Soylent ‘Lite’ Green” campaign.
 
Basic marketing of an SG brand name will be television driven. Basic tenants of said TV campaign suggest that being totally honest about the nature of the product might be the best way to sell it, as the average consumer will be “tricked” into buying it by using reverse psychology. “They would never actually sell a product made out of humans… they’re obviously joking. What a clever commercial. I’ll have to look for that product.” Granted, the contents will be clearly labeled on the packaging in accordance with FDA standards, but it’ll look just like any other meat now won’t it?
 
For additional recognition and celebrity draw to the line, and to heighten the farcical nature implied, Anthony Hopkins is an easy recommendation as a pitchman. Also feasible is Haley Joel Osment, as seen in this sample script:
 
Interior: Grocery Store. We see Haley Joel Osment and an extremely attractive female companion walking down an aisle filled with various products. Soylent Green packaging is highly visible throughout the frame:
 
HJO: I don’t remember shopping being this difficult. There’s so much to choose from!
 
Female: O come on, Haley, you know the only way to go is to pick products made with the robust proteins and vitamin content of Soylent Green! Why, it was only six months of eating Soylent Green that helped me lose 45 pounds and give me shiny, manageable hair!
 
HJO: Wow, and look at all the amazing varieties it comes in -- I could eat Soylent Green for breakfast, lunch, AND dinner! Let me see that box of Rice-a-Roni…
 
The woman hands HJO the box while saying:
 
Woman: “The San Francisco treat” has gotten so much better since they started making it out of real citizens San Francisco!
 
HJO: (looking at box) Wow -- I see dead people… and I eat them too!
 
Additional aspects of SG could also be promoted: for example, by its very nature, nearly all Soylent will be “Free Range.” Also, organically minded consumers could be catered to with a line of SG that’s made from processed vegans. Easy as pie. Meat pies, in fact.
 
Now there’s another idea: “Soylent Green presents the national tour Sweeney Todd.” The product tie-ins almost write themselves!
 
Thinking further of tie-ins: for a complete saturation of SG into the market, a tie-in with a fast food chain will be absolutely necessary. A natural choice would be the Subway chain, as they have an existing “healthy fast-food alternative” brand in place already (“Subway -- Eat Fresh!” easily becomes “Subway -- Eat the Fresh Prince!” etc.) KFC is another viable option, since one would assume they stopped using real chicken meat ages ago. Sure, that may be lowering the bar a bit, but it’s not like I’m stooping to the level of pitching slogans like “Try our fingers! …oh, wait -- chicken?”
 
Certainly I have some more ideas, but I can’t publish them all up front. After all, I’ll need to have some material to present to my bosses in the big Soylent Corporation to keep my future job with a cushy corner office. Then when I gracefully retire from said position, I might be able to ride the coattails of my Soylent benefactors by becoming a Washington D.C. lobbyist for “Big Soylent” concerns.
 
As long as I can go home to my cozy little farm at night and eat some home grown food, I can handle it. And just think of all the money I’ll save by packing my lunch…

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We've secretly replaced Dustin's usual coffee with new Soylent crystals... think he'll notice a difference?