No Bull!

Not long ago, I saw something disturbing on the History Channel. It wasn’t the evils of the Third Reich. It wasn’t the horror that was the atom bomb. It was the history of cattle farming.
 
I had no idea I was so naïve. I just thought you put a bunch on cows in a field and eventually a bull would mosey up to one and out the moves on her and – bang! – you got more cows. Apparently this is not true. It is a highly technical and lucrative business. There are many things that comprise a king-shit type of bull: muscle tone, color of coat, its ability to banter well with super-villains, the size of its kielbasa… lots of things. I can’t remember them all. The long and short of it (giggle) is depending on how many there traits a particular bull has, the more king-shit it is. This in turn determines the value of its… SEMEN.
 
You got that right, folks.
 
Bull semen is sold by – of all things – the straw-full. There aren’t enough words to describe how I feel when I think of a straw full off bull semen. According to this program, however, these cattle farmers can sometimes sell straw-fulls on eBay for thousands of dollars. There are “farmers” that have hundreds and hundreds of these straws in tanks full of liquid nitrogen that keeps it frozen until date of sale. Imagine a vat full of straws of bull semen… again, not even close to being enough words.
 
So I’m looking at all these vats of frozen bull spunk, and I’m thinkin’ “Where in the hell do you get that much fucking bull semen?” No sooner is the question out of my mouth than the God-blessed History Channel, knower of all things, delivers the answer: Somebody jacks off the bulls.
 
EEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHYOOOOOBLAAAAHHIICKKKKSSSSSSSPPPPPSSSSS!
 
(etc.)
 
So I watched it.
 
It was like a car accident. A terrible thing to see, but you can’t look away.
 
What happens is that they have a bull in a corral, and they bring in a cow. They parade this cow around in front of the bull, like a bovine strip show. Then just when this bull is all like “Getcha some!”, they yank the cow away and some dude with a plastic bag grabs this bull’s massive cock and catches the load. I thought my mind was going to split open! Why the fuck do we do this!?! I like cheeseburgers just as much as the next guy, but sweet Mother of Christ! That fast food shit is half sopy anyway. Why do we spend so much time and money genetically engineering a cheeseburger? Beats the shit out of me. But here’s the real kicker – this is somebody’s job . Grabbing a bull by the schwanz and bagging his swimmers is what somebody does all day. How do you get this job? Is there schooling involved? What’s THAT like? Two words: Pop Quiz. Do you think there’s an interview process?
 
“What makes you think you’re qualified for this opening, Pervis?”
 
“Well sir, I have a lot of experience with human masturbation.”
 
It blows my mind the inane things that we spend valuable time, technology and money on. Cure for cancer? Nope, can’t do that. A bull with gigantic balls that will yield six hundred pounds in New York Strips? Yep, we can do that. What the fuck, folks. Priorities. That’s all I’m sayin’.
 
Besides, cows need lovin’ too.

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Tadd Branum is quite possibly the most fascinating person on the planet for all the wrong reasons.