“Friends don’t let friends drive after a massage.”
 
This bumper sticker that took from the familiar AA slogan made me laugh the other day because it’s true. Seriously. Have you ever had a professional massage?? I’m not talking about the quickie chair massage at the mall. That’s a nice stress-buster, sure (especially if you’ve been unsuccessfully searching for the perfect pair of jeans all day), but on the level of massages, let’s face it: the chair massage ranks about a five or six, where the professional table massage is a 10. It doesn’t have to be something fancy and exotic like a little Thai woman walking on your back (incidentally, I’ve never had that done and, with my tiny frame, I don’t think I ever will – she’d have to weigh 10 pounds or I’d be toast). It just needs to involve laying down on a table, getting seriously relaxed, and forgetting life for at least an hour. Sound good? I think so. After all, a well-done deep-tissue massage can induce a state of exquisite drunkenness akin only to the effects of a really kickass bottle of wine.  
 
So why don’t more people get a massage? Especially guys. Most guys probably have never experienced this joy, and I find this to be a very sad state of affairs. Perhaps the problem is the marketing. After all, salons cater to women -- who want to hang around and be pampered all day -- not to men, who prefer the get-in-get-it-done-get-out method of doing things. But men should love massage, too – after all, it’s a physical activity that requires you to do nothing for an extended amount of time and then turns you into a lump of delighted jelly. (And you don’t even have to yell at the TV!)  Some salons are catching on and have tried to get the guys in by touting the “sports massage.” (This marketing idea must have been the brainchild of the same folks who came up with the Sports Clips commercials.) It’s a good start, but I think we need more help. So I’ve come up with some suggestions for more guy-friendly massage treatments (marketing reps, take note!)
 
Coming soon to a salon near you:
 
Steak-flavored or beer-battered massage: a robust massage technique founded in the ancient American art of pigging out. The therapist uses your choice of deliciously formulated essential oils and specific techniques focusing on the digestive system to enhance the benefits of the oils. Dieters, take note! You can enjoy all the pleasures of food but you won’t gain weight!  
 
NASCAR massage: classic massage technique using long, gliding strokes in a circular motion and hot, rubber-scented oil. Energy flows from the hands of the practitioner, allowing you to visualize crowds of fans cheering you on as you hold aloft a golden cup and are surrounded by beautiful women in tiny T-shirts. This technique is great for reducing muscle tension and increasing testosterone levels.
 
Hunting/fishing massage: our therapists offer this massage early in the morning to provide for the special needs of the expectant hunter. The massage incorporates periods of quiet expectation interrupted by short bursts of activity, followed by more long periods of anticipation. This session is performed outdoors. Please wear camouflage clothing.
 
Football/soccer/baseball/basketball sports massage: the therapist bestows a good pummeling with the sports ball of your choice (this massage not recommended for bowlers). Compressions are applied to thumbs, palms, elbows, knees and feet to energize and strengthen the body. A favorite of Barry Bonds, this art will leave you feeling less sore and more intact than a day out on the playing field.
 
Gangsta rap star massage: this is a “group” massage treatment. Surrounded by a posse of “friends” in various states of consciousness, groupies sporting the latest fashion trends, and by hot, scantily clad women shaking their oversized booties, you will enter a state of delusional nirvana which convinces you that you actually have musical talent. Optional take-home bling bling.
 
Virtual massage (especially for computer geeks): you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your home to experience this luxurious massage. This unique treatment uses an attractive virtual masseuse who delivers rhythmic light and sound to facilitate the release of body-mind tension, and a feeling of world domination. No oil is used. 2.0 Gb of RAM and a T-1 line required.  
 
So guys, go out and get a massage. Massages are good, and more people should get them – women and men. If they did, I think we’d be a more relaxed nation. We’d give Jamaica a run for their money. Just remember to massage responsibly, please. Have a designated driver take you home.

~~~~~

Laura is a regular columnist-in-good-standing for the footnote. We're just surprised that since she's in Texas, she didn't propose some kind of elecric massage that will make you relaxed for a REALLY long time.