Dear
Sir or Madam or Human Being of Mixed Gender:
My comment is on Dustin Grovemiller’s article “Green
is the Color of Money” in the June footnote.
I don’t see any problem with eating deceased humans.
They’re a huge source of unmined protein, and what
do we do with them? We fill their bodies full of preservatives
and put them in a box underground. Now why would a society
that treats meat that way find the idea of consuming people
so shocking and horrible? I didn’t understand the
revulsion in 1973, and I don’t understand it now.
Sincerely,
Tony Thompson, Chef Boyardee
~~~~~~
Dear Dustin Grovemiller of "Giant Robot" fame:
Oh, please.
If you had a giant robot, you’d be harassed when
he trampled lawns, you’d be arrested when he peeked
into people’s second-story windows, and you’d
be sued when he stepped on a kid or two on the playground.
There wouldn’t be any place to park him, he’d
punch through all the ceilings in your place, and you
couldn’t afford the immense quantities of WD-40
and Valvoline he’d need as his daily fare.
Be satisfied with the robots you have: your humble coffee
maker, your innocent and hard-working digital camera,
your competent CD player.
Sincerely,
Keiko
Mitsimoto, Toshiba America
~~~~~
To
Fingers O’Reilly, writer of “King or President,
I Don’t Give a Shit”, Dear Sir:
I salute a man who knows what he wants and who doesn’t
stint words in this litigious society. I salute a man
who demands his American rights to scantily-clad American
women and legal beverages, as well as pictures of and
songs about the same. I salute a man whose courage stands
out in a nation fast becoming tree-hugging, emotion-sharing,
baby-kissing wimps.
Thank you, Fingers. Keep up the good work.
Sincerely,
George C. Patton, US Army, retired
~~~~~
To
D. J. Kirkbride, author of “Renouncement”:
Dear Deej,
Thank you, thank you, omigod, THANK YOU!! I was this close
to annihilation when I read your article and was saved
from the brink of extinction by the sound of a reasonable
human voice. I was drowning in a sea of sin and guilt,
but as I heard a faint voice declaiming “WHY’D
GOD PUT THE TREE THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?”, I felt
a faint hope… could it be? Is there reason in the
world? I was at war with myself and humanity until there
appeared on my horizon “Heck with mysterious ways,
this is downright nutty.” YES. YES. It is nutty.
And I am saved from ever having to fear it again.
Do you have a church of your own, or what? I’d really
like to know where to send a contribution.
Sincerely,
Dawn “Bubbles” Miller
~~~~~
Editor
of the Footnote, Attn: Laura Redfern, “Locked on
Target”
What a very clever title, the double meaning being locked
on a target, as in a goal or an objective, and locked
on “Target,” the red-painted multi-store.
However, Ms. Goodman’s fascination with bean bag
chairs and candles may not represent the Average Shopper.
Our demographic studies do not indicate that candles are
something everyone needs to buy on every shopping excursion,
nor are bean bag chairs or Fruit Roll-ups. In fact, our
indications are that many buying experiences can be completely
satisfying without any food purchases of any kind.
Thank
you, Ms. Goodman, for an entertaining article, but don’t
mislead your readers into a false belief that any one
store has it “all.” (Even bath salts.) There
are many different parameters to be considered while shopping,
and let none of us forget that fact.
Sincerely,
David Watson, CEO, Home Depot
~~~~~
Dear
editor:
I love Cousy’s article about being baseball commissioner
for the day. Man, I wish I could win that, because Cousy
is RIGHT. Those weasels in the front offices don’t
know WHAT they’re doing. And Cousy knows his stuff,
man, I mean, look how he sorted all the teams out, and
he even made the same number of teams in each league.
Awesome! Man, he even knows all the players by name. I
vote for Cousy! Bud Selig will need more than a hand in
front of his face if Cousy is ever let loose on him. We’re
all behind you, Cousy. You go, man.
Sincerely,
“Shoeless” Joe Jackson
