A Week Away From Sports (Almost)
 
From June 14-21 of this year, Liza and I went to Maui for our long awaited honeymoon. Going to Maui means that baseball games happen at 1pm instead of 6pm, and Sportscenter is never on -- just US Open recaps. Thus, in highlight fashion, here is a recap of the honeymoon:
 
Monday -- Let's go to Chicago, where the layover meets an hour and a half rain delay on the plane, turning this nine hour trip into 10 1/2.  What better movies to show on a plane full of honeymooners than Agent Cody Banks 2 and The Wedding Singer. After getting lei’d in the airport upon arrival in Maui, we preceded to go rent our convertible Chrystler Sebring. The older chap at the rental desk couldn’t believe how loud the cicadas were during the Memorial Tournament television coverage. Let's now drive along the ocean for an hour to our hotel resort. I must say that we got most of our sun tan from driving around in the car. Arriving at the hotel, we were not greeted by a bellhop to help us with our bags, so we instead stood there like fools. We ran down to the beach, hopped into the ocean, and then went back to the room to de-sand. Oops! The shower doesn’t work. So let's change rooms, perhaps into a smaller room with less of a view, and a fan stuck on "LO" -- At least we could shower!
 
Tuesday -- Well, we are in Maui, with tons of sea life to be seen -- let’s go to the aquarium! Highlights include the green sea turtle tank, in which the turtles pop up for air two millimeters from your face, and also a scrumcious blue vanilla shaved ice! Back to the resort for our first drink of the trip, a Lava Flow and Electric Blue Lemonade. Back to the beach for some sunbathing, followed up with a dip in the pool. Note to self: wedding bands come off easily in pools and wives are great at finding them on the pool floor. Finish the night off with a pizza and cheesecake, and its only 6pm.
 
Wednesday -- The most peaceful highlight of the trip led off our Wednesday morning: Para-sailing! The sky was silent as we flew over the Pacific in a harness strap to a parachute and speedboat. Whoops! The couple gets dunked into the water by the driver on the way back to the boat. How 'bout that! For all you Tarzan 2 lovers out there, we saw the monstrous Banyan tree in Lahaina Town. We didn’t see Kala telling metaphors, but we were impressed anyway! The nightcap included the long awaited LUAU! What’s not to like with a lineup like: Kahlua Pig, Open Bar, Getting Lei’d, and my wife dancing on the stage doing the hula! Sadly, the evening ended in tragedy as I stomped on a roach that had taken up residency in our room.

Thursday -- Time to put the convertible to the test. Many people, when visiting Maui, do the Road to Hana. Hana is a small town that has a black sand beach. Why so popular? It's 30 miles of winding, narrow, off the path roads and bridges, on a mountain, along the ocean. The view and scenery are to die for, especially the waterfalls. I believe parts of Jurassic Park were filmed here, at least Liza says so. Of course at dinner that night, after a beer and a half, she sorta trip-tumbled-fell her way out of the booth and onto the floor. A perfect “10.”
 
Friday -- We needed to be up at 5:30am for our snorkeling trip, but were awoken at 4:00 by the fire alarm. As we ran downstairs to the lobby, we discovered that there were no employees around to tell us what was happening or if it was safe. We did get to see in the clear evening an array of stars in the sky. Bonehead play of the week: Upon returning to the elevator to go back to the rooms, a large group of people huddled to wait for the elevator. Glad we showed up as not one of them had pressed the button to summon the ride... they might have been waiting a while. Onto the snorkel field, where Liza had a blast, seeing all kinds of fish, a few sharks, and swam with sea turtles. I, on the otherhand, hyperventilated a few times and clutched to a boogie board. Lunch was eaten at the world renowned Bubba Gump. Yes, the one from the movie. The food was great, our waitress was stoned, and a $9.50 beer netted me a free Bubba Gump glass. The evening ended with a little culture, as we went to the show “Ulalena”. Thinking it was something like "Cirque de Soleil," I agreed. I was wrong, but it did have a killer set of drum-playing Hawaiians.
 
Saturday -- We bought our first Tiki god, and it is damn cool. Then we shopped. Then we walked. Then we shopped. Then we ate. Then we shopped. Then we walked. Then we shopped. Then we couldn’t decide on dinner. We sat in the hotel lounge for 15 minutes but no one would serve us. We drove down to a deli, Liza whacked her shin on a bench, and there was nothing interesting to eat there. The next stop had NO parking available, as the lot was full. Finally we found a place with only a 40 minute wait, ended up waiting five minutes before being seated, and enjoyed the best deep-dish pizza either one of us has ever had.
 
Sunday -- Our last day on the island began with a breakfast of pineapple, bacon and a Belgian waffle. Yummy! We walked the beach one last time and dilly-dallied around taking pictures. Liza really wanted a picture of the Pizza Hut. On the way to the airport, we drove through a Sugar Cane field fire. It was rather scary. Ashes flying around heat emanating all around and loud crackling sounds. We then decided to stop by Wal-Mart, which proves the theory that no matter what Wal-Mart you go to, they still do attract the same clientele. The flight back was horrible, as neither one of us could sleep. We landed in Chicago at 5am -- at least the flight back selected Starsky and Hutch as its movie. Damn Will Ferrell is a funny bastard! I bet you didn’t even know he was in it, did you?

~~~~~

And with that ends the Honeymoon Adventures of Cousy Kane. The only question that remains is if someone will try and get him a sit-com spinoff.