Do the Wrong Thing
 
New years always seem to start off with new resolutions. For most of us, there is some pressure -- internal or external -- to assign a “fresh start” to the rolling over of the calendar, to improve our lives or our selves in some way. A new year is a chance to right the wrongs.

Well, this year, my friend (I’ll call him “Roger,” because that’s how I list him in my speed-dial) and I resolved to do just the opposite. Instead of righting the wrongs, we’re WRONGING the wrongs. Bear with me here; the logic is sound in a Zen-like way.

It all started when Roger -- who has college degrees in at least two or three wildly different areas, and who is biding time at a dull job until he is fully vested in the company’s pension system -- remarked that he is seen as too impatient. I laughed -- he puts up with way too much crap, for far too long, to truly be impatient. Roger’s the one in the meeting who sits quietly and stews while people lose track of the agenda, the one who gets assignments dumped on him and taken from him randomly, the one who -- well, is doing a job he hates for the eventual pension. That hardly smacks of impatience. In fact, I would argue that it smacks of TOO MUCH patience.

And then I realized that some other people had recently said something similar about me. So I had a thought: This year (because we often do resolutions or philosophical explorations together) Roger and I were going to make the most of our shortcomings. We’re both seen as impatient? We should be more impatient. My mother thinks I’m too excitable? I’ll be more excitable. Roger gets antisocial? He should be more antisocial. Yes, we actually did commit to being more of what we’re bad at.

Now, here’s the logic, and it’s twofold: First, we as human beings have to uncover the reasons we’re seen as impatient, antisocial, high-strung, or whatever our particular shortcomings are. In thinking about this, it becomes apparent that we often become these things because we swing too much to the other side of the spectrum. Take impatience, for example. Something happens that motivates us, makes us realize a need for change. But we don’t act. We wait. The situation unfolds. And we wait. Things develop. And we wait. And eventually the time, the resource pool, or the energy starts to run out, and we can’t wait anymore. We have to act or be “accomplices” in an outcome we don’t want. So, out of nowhere, we explode with pent-up demands and desperation to be heard. We become impatient, demanding an immediate resolution -- because for too long, we were TOO PATIENT. By moving up the reaction in time, one can avoid this whole scene. Impatience is simply an antidote to over-patience.

Second, there’s a control issue. I hesitate to say an “ownership” issue, because psychobabble is just so boring, but really that is a better word for it. By saying “I’m going to be more impatient,” you take control of your reactions.

Normally, one would view patience as a friend and impatience as an enemy, something to be fought. But fighting something, viewing it as an enemy, makes it essentially separate from you, something you do not control. By increasing or taking on a shortcoming, you assume total responsibility for it. YOU decide whether you will use it or not.

At its deepest level, the things we view as shortcomings are not necessarily liabilities. Waiting too long is as wrong as acting hastily. Focusing on people constantly is as irritating as avoidance is. The two sides should be more or less in balance; when we try to repress one side and strengthen the other, both get strengthened - to both their detriments.

So, if all goes according to plan, by being more impatient I will be better able to address situations as they occur and not when they reach a panic stage. By spending more time alone as a choice and not as a reaction, Roger might actually be able to tolerate social functions. The final result would be that I’m less patient AND less impatient, Roger more and less social at the same time. More balanced is probably how I should put it.

So I challenge others to explore what shortcomings, in their own lives, need a little positive attention. Sure it takes some psychological strength to take on such a seemingly contradictory (and maybe even dangerous) task. But since your other resolutions have probably failed by now, it’s worth a try. Really.... what have you got to lose?

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Donny Seven's intellect is kind of like the crossword puzzle in the Times -- you can figure most of it out, but there's always some blanks you just can't fill in. It's what keeps you coming back for more.