What to Look Forward To
 
How ‘bout all this holiday whiz-whaz? I tell yeah what. I love it. I think it’s tits. Great big titties on the beach, that’s what the holidays are. You know why? ‘Cause they make me feel good inside, that’s why.
 
I like waiting until the last minute to buy my gifts, because I’m a dumbass. I enjoy the challenge. I like to fight the traffic to get to the store, the throngs that have enveloped the store, and then fighting the traffic to get home again.
 
Hopefully it will snow a lot. And be really cold, too, so I can wear my Holy Shit Coat. You know, the one you where after you go outside with your normal coat and go “Holy shit!” right before your lungs freeze to the inside of your ribcage? That shit’s great.
 
I think it’s fun to worry a lot about whether or not I got the right gift for somebody. I like to spend a lot of money on something, give it to somebody, and just as they’re opening it think, ”Wait a minute... was it Grandma who liked the inflatable sheep or was that Nate?” You know what else? Nothing beats feeling obligated to buy a gift for someone you don’t really know because they’re a friend of your aunt’s cousin’s stepmother and they got you that litter box rake last year. That’s fuckin’ tops! I don’t even have a cat! Not to mention the dozens of family you already have to buy for even though you only see them on Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Boxing Day (Canada)!
 
And why in Christ’s name is it that in the two months before these fabulous “holidays” you and your wife’s car break down, the state government sends you a letter because you didn’t pay your school tax in 2001 and that centerfold that you really, really like from Penthouse is doing a one night only show at The Fox’s Hole Military Gentlemen’s Club? It’s enough to make a man lose his grip, I say!!
 
But you know what? None of this really matters. It’s not what the holidays are about. You know what I’m saying here friends. It’s about getting together with your family, the people you love. It’s about sharing this special time with the people who mean the most to you... and eatin’ a lot of fuckin’ food. I’m talking ‘bout fuckin’ turkeys, fuckin’ hams, fuckin’ stuffing, all that shit. Bring whatever you got, Sassy, ‘cause Daddy’s ready to meal down oldschool. I’m gonna make people sick with the shear magnitude of edible lovliness with which I will gorge myself. You know what I’m sayin’? Pass the dessert, bitch. Happy fuckin’ holidays.

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Tadd Branum used to despise the holidays, until he was visited by three ghosts who taught him to love Christmas and keep it in his heart. But that's another story altogether.