I'm Dreaming of a...
art by Jason Ericksen
 
The Holidays. It’s a happy time. THE Holidays. I mean, there are holidays in summer and fall, but when someone says “the holidays,” we all know it’s in reference to Christmas time (or Hanukkah if you’re Jewish, or Kwanzaa if you’re totally into your African American heritage, or the Purplepants Jamboree if you’re Tadd Branum of Columbus, Ohio). Say “the holidays” and one thinks of wrapped presents, mistletoe, and snow; Big flakes of snow -- glorious, white, and fluffy, like so many lines of coke to be snorted off of mirrored tables by stupid rich assholes -- falling from the sky.
 
A little Christmas carol enters my head as I look out my window… “Oh, the weather outside is frightful… ly sunny and warm???” What the hell ? Christmas is just around the corner and it’s seventy degrees and sunny? Not a snow cloud in the sky? How could this be? … Now, before you get all freaked out about global warming or whatever, know that it’s sunny outside because I’m currently living in Los Angeles, CA. On second thought, you should STILL get freaked out about global warming, but I digress…
 
After some twenty-five years living through Ohio winters and one fairly unfortunate year with a crazy Wisconsin winter, I’m now in the midst of a Southern California winter, or what I’m inclined to call “spring”. Now, I’m no huge fan of snow, mind you, and Ohio Christmas... es didn’t always guarantee snow, but while growing up in Ohio, I at least knew snow would usually fall kind of around Christmas time. Especially as a kid, it was cool -- Santa Claus, reindeer, Tadd Branum in purple snow pants, and all the other usual holiday cheer we all associate with snow. How many times can I write the word “snow” in one paragraph? Six? Cool.  
 
As I write this nigh profound column,* however, I’m potentially facing my first snowless year. I mean NO snow. Not only “no white Christmas” (which was not unheard of in Ohio and therefore not a shock to the system), but NO SNOW AT ALL! I probably won’t even take my winter coat out of the closet! Many of you probably think this is a good thing, and in many respects, it is. No icy roads. Fewer colds. No dirty, dingy slush everywhere…
 
But living in “Hell A”, especially in winter, definitely takes some adjustment as it’s essentially a land without any discernable weather. Teensy dips and rises in the temperature -- once thought inconsequential in the Midwest -- become major events with frantic weather men and emergency broadcast system warnings here. A dip from seventy to sixty-five in Southern California means you might want to grab a jacket, whereas in Ohio you’d still be in shorts and a tee shirt! And a light drizzle in which no umbrella is necessary to a guy in good ol’ Columbus, OH suddenly becomes a monsoon to s aid guy in Hollyweird, CA!
 
But snow? It will never happen unless some wide-eyed kid makes an extra-special wish to Santa. Or the polar icecaps melt disaster-movie style, sending the whole world, LA included, into a NEW ICE AGE!!!! DUM DUM DUUUUUM!!!! ** I don’t think the former is likely as there’s no such thing as a “wide-eyed kid who makes special wishes to Santa” anymore (what with the MTV and the video games and the drugs kids are into nowadays), and the polar ice caps won’t significantly melt until, oh, about the second year of Bush’s second term. (I don’t want to get into a political rant as I’m not intelligent enough to understand politics, nor am I mentally stable enough to start ranting, but man does it seem like Bush hates the environment!)  
 
So, the only other way for me to see snow would be to fly home to Ohio, right? Christmas time is a family time, after all. The problem with that is this little matter of the airline industry is being run by Ebenezer Scrooge McDuck! Christmas spirit doesn’t mean squat when you can double the airfares, does it assheads? That, coupled with my lack of steady employment, crazy high bills, and hellacious comic book addiction means that this will be my first winter with no snow. It’s one of those not-knowing-you’d-miss-it-until-it’s-gone kind of things, I suppose…
 
All in all, it seems like I’m in what some might call the “Third Age” of my goofy-ass life, and this whole no snow thing really puts it into focus for me. I had some stuff going on in Ohio, then was called by the winds of change to split to Wisconsin. There I was living an entirely different life, but at least the weather was similar as were the surroundings. Now, I’m in the beginnings of an even more entirely different existence. My personal life is 100% changed, my “professional” life… well, okay, that’s still nowhere with low-paying entry-level jobs, but my surroundings… Never have I been in such a foreign land for any extended period of time. Palm tress? Are you kidding me? The ocean not far away? Hardly any rain and no snow? In “winter”?
 
I know that change is a part of life. Obviously. Even babies know that when their diapers are shitty. But facing the 63rd sunny day in a row, while pleasant, just puts into sharp focus the ridiculous (for me, anyway) twists and turns my life has taken recently. As I see snowfall and that fat bastard in the big red suit on TV, then outside to palm trees and clear, snowless skies… I know that, uh, hell, honestly? Cold weather and blizzards suck. I’m glad I won’t have to shovel anything this year, suckers! HA HAAAAA! WOOO!
 
*Calling this column, or in fact anything I write, “nigh profound” is me at my very most sarcastic. So stop writing your condescending hate mail, smarties. I’m one step ahead of you this time!!!
 
** Well, okay, apparently it snowed in Compton last year or something. Fine. There’s the slightest of chances it might snow… maybe. Them’s still not good odds.
 
*** Did I have a third footnote in this column? Oh, no… I didn’t. So there’s no point for this "***" … sorry.

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D.J. Kirkbride is a formidable, Paul Bunyan-esque man. It's no wonder he's having trouble living in LA, especially since it's hard to find oxen there, blue or otherwise.