| I
got myself a new cell phone the other day. Now, I’ve
had a cell for a few years now, but this new one is way cooler.
I didn’t go crazy and buy one of those fancy Blackberry
or Sidekicks or any of that crap, but it does have a lot of
features: color screen, camera, IM, etc. The feature I really
bought the thing for was its ability to play MP3s as ringtones.
Now, for a guy like me, this is a must have. Not for the technical
reasons -- it is impressive that we have the technology to
fit music into such a small space, although that is pretty
cool -- but what it means culturally. It adds another weapon
to the music geek arsenal.
As I’ve said many times before, music is so often used
by people as a way to construct their identities, probably
more so than any other aspect of culture (except maybe religion).
Think about it: one of the first things that people ask when
they meet someone new (in a social setting) is “what
kind of music do you listen to?” Teenagers often group
themselves according to music, and also by the fashions that
accompany it. I have a friend (and when I day “a friend,”
I mean “me”) who instantly examines a person’s
record collection upon entering their house for the first
time. We use music to identify ourselves and relate to others,
and these “Real Tones” broadcast this information
for the whole world to hear. Before now, you had to wear a
concert T-shirt to let strangers know what bands you like.
But now, everyone at my job, at a shop or restaurant, or...
anywhere can learn that I am a Tom Waits fan. Nobody has asked
for this information, but I am volunteering it anyway. It’s
like carrying a boom box with you everywhere you go, only
slightly more socially acceptable.
 Not
only does my new toy prop up my self-image, it lets me assign
an identity to everyone I know. My phone gives me room for
about 55 of these new ringtones, which is a number far greater
than the amount of people who would actually call me. Because
I can choose a song for virtually every person, I can simultaneously
announce my tastes to the unsuspecting world, and tidily sum
up everyone I know in just 15 seconds of music. For example,
when my brother Joey calls, my phone plays “Blood Red
Summer” by Coheed and Cambria, because we’re the
only two people I know who like them. When the guys from my
old band call, it plays “Everything Little This She
Does is Magic” by the Police, because we used to do
that song. And it’s not even exclusively rock music;
when my little brother calls, my phone plays the theme from
Super Mario Bros., because he’s wicked good at video
games. When my work calls, I am warned by the Imperial March
from Star Wars , because my company is evil. Grouping and
evaluating my friends and loved ones has never been so easy!
Seriously, though, I really have got to hand it to the record
companies, and the cell phone companies, for that matter.
They have collaborated to create a new market out of thin
air. All this ringtone shit is really just icing on their
respective cakes: The record labels have already paid to record
and promote the albums -- this is just high tech merch; and
the cellular providers have already sold me the service and
equipment- these are optional add-ons. But there’s no
way I’m not gonna buy them, even at the stupid high
prices they set. My wireless company charges $2.49 per MP3
ringtone, which is typically between 12 and 15 seconds of
music. Compare that to Apple’s iTunes, which charges
$.99 pop (and other digital music site even charge a little
less), or just buying a actual CD, which works out again to
about a buck a song, give or take. $2.50 for 15 seconds? Logically,
no one should ever take that deal. But here I am. All that
just to let people listen to the chorus of Thursday’s
“War All the Time” when someone calls my number
by accident… |
