So I walk into my kitchen the other day, and I see some seriously strange shit on the table. Right there, in the middle of it, is a small plastic box filled with fruit. "But Tadd," you say, "it’s just fruit, yo. Ain’t so strange." Okay, man, I can dig that, but it wasn’t like a box of apples or sometin’. It said "fresh, juicy PLUOTS". I read it three times. I got scared. I stepped back a little.
"Yo, honey," I said to my wife. "What the fuck?"
"My mom brought them," she said. "Try one."
"Like hell."
I did some research, kids. Turns out pluots are a bastard fruit. I don’t mean that they’re, like, rude and drive slow in the fast lane. Nope, but get this: they were invented. Some geneticist from Iowa (wrap your mind around that one) figured if a plum and an apricot did the nasty, their kids would make for some good eatin’. A pluot is two-thirds plum and one-third apricot. He even liked that so much that he flopped the ratios and came up with an "aprium" (two-thirds apricot, one-third plum). And I thought I got bored on Sundays.
 The way I figure it, we don’t even need another fruit. I don’t really eat most of the ones that grow naturally as it is. And plums and apricots barely get any play by themselves, anyway. Who wants their creepy, genetically engineered offspring? Yack. It just sounds like a bad idea. Pluot splits at DQ? Doubtful. Smuckers down home pluot jelly? Probably not. Only chance they got is Boone’s Farm Pluot Passion, and that’s just sad.
If you’re gonna go through all the trouble to scientifically force something into existence out of two things we already have, make it worth everyone’s while. Smash a couple of things together that would really rock. Like two-thirds buffalo wings and one-third bleu cheese dressing. Sounds good to me. I bet two-thirds Bud Light and one-third Viagra would be huge in the 18 to 60 male demographic. You know, I could be on to something here. Make it less scientific nonsense and more practical. Like two-thirds condom and one-third yeast infection medication! That’d make everybody happy! Especially after a twelve pack.
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