Yep! This month, I'm digging through the ol' email bag to answer some of your letters...
Dustin,
Your columns always seem pretty well-reasoned and insightful, and you come across as a pretty smart guy. Ever consider going on a game show or entering some kind of trivia contest? I bet you'd do pretty well.
Best wishes,
Debbie
I've learned two funny things about my knowledge base: One, it's comprised of pretty random factoids and mostly useless trivia, and two, it's never there under pressure. Don't get me wrong, I can be quite the scourge at a round of Trivial Pursuit, but as for a game show… I don't think so. I happened to actually have the television on the other night when "Jeopardy!" came on and it was some kind of "back to school" thing featuring 9-12 year olds. I kept it on, thinking I'd be able to answer every damn question and therefore solidify my ego. The results: actually not too pretty - I hung with the kid that won the game, but honestly, I confused some answers here and there and probably would've gotten beaten. I've now vowed only to compete academically in some kind of "team" setting where I can carefully hide my lack of practical knowledge behind my well-rounded teammates. Rest assured, I will be there to take the glory when I come up with the answer "Henry II of England" when questioned who King Richard the Lionheart's father was.
Hey guys, can I take out an ad in the footnote? I've got a queen-size bed that I'm trying to get rid of. Better yet, do one of you want to buy it from me? I had to upgrade to a king size after eating too many deep fried Twinkies at the State Fair, so I don’t have room for the old one.
Thanks,
Darryl in Columbus
 Well Darryl, we’re not running ads in the footnote at this time. Sadly, if you’d caught me a few weeks earlier I might have been able to help you out, but I’ve recently made a purchase myself. After years of sleeping on a functional, yet tiny (and very embarrassing when there’s a lady friend involved) twin bed, I finally upgraded to a fantastic queen-size bed of my very own. Now I can’t figure out how I was ever able to sleep with such little space before, as currently I can sprawl any which way I’d please. I don’t even need to line the sides with chairs to keep from falling out! All "growns up," indeed… I’m just disappointed that I can’t get sheets with cartoon characters on them anymore.
3y3 n0 3Y3m 0nlY 14 bUt 3y3m r34lLy m4tur3 N stUff s0 l3t m3 n0 wUT uz th1nK!!!!!
Chixor from Ohio
Errrr… uh. We are the Priests of the Temple of Syrinx? Sorry, I can read a little 1337, but I made myself stop after you told me your age. Of course, you're probably a 44-year old guy with a beer gut, but thanks for reading. Or something.
I really liked your "Evil Dustin" article. With Halloween coming up, will you dress like a mad scientist? Or will you do something like a Stormtrooper outfit since you like Star Wars?
Jared, Boston
Oddly enough, my last few Halloween costumes have been pretty half-ass. At some point, I just kind of lost the motivation to go out of my way to do something cool. Last year, for example, I went dressed as a ticket seller for Columbus’s Major League Soccer team (this was funny because I used to do that, you see… that was my interpretation at any rate). It’s not that I lack enthusiasm for the day, I just have never been one to successfully implement good costume ideas. With that in mind, here’s the top five things I WOULD go as were I not so mired in the doldrums of practicality.
1. Ghostbuster
Ghostbusters was EASILY one of my favorite movies growing up, and still a strong contender on my Top Ten list. Add that in with one of the better cartoon shows (The Real Ghostbusters) and a crapload of decent merchandising, and for someone my age, you've got a gen-u-ine phenomenon! I spent a whole lot of my childhood being fascinated by the paranormal world as a result, and maybe an even better part of my life being fascinated by Bill Murray as well. How amazingly sweet would it be to parade around in the authentic costumes complete with the real props? Way too amazing to ever happen in my life, probably. The closest I'll ever come was the year when I put on a pair of sweats with the famous "no ghosts" patch and ran around with the plastic toy proton packs for Halloween.
2. Michael J Fox, c. 1985
Not one of his characters, necessarily, but the man himself! How cool was Michael J Fox back in the day? Right around Back to the Future and still hanging onto Family Ties? He was just entering into the peak years, and embodied action, adventure, laughter, coolness… everything you could want out of life.
3. A Cartoon Version of Myself
This one might actually be the ultimate improbable costume. Spend a day being two-dimensional! But oh, what style of cartoon to choose? Perhaps classic Warner Brothers… fall off cliffs, get hit with anvils, blasted with shotguns and have nary a scratch at the end of the day! Perhaps something a little more "funny paper" is another option, say spend a day running around with Calvin and Hobbes. Or maybe you'd choose a Japanese Anime version of yourself, complete with really big eyes, spiky blue hair, really cool outfits and of course your very own GIANT ROBOT OF DESTRUCTION!!! Giant Robot, smite that paperwork with your missiles! Oh hell yeah…
4. Han Solo
Oh come on… you knew - you just knew - that was gonna be on there.
 5. Guy with a sword
I don't really care what kind of a "guy with a sword" we're talking about. Perhaps I could be a renaissance gentleman with a rapier? Maybe a multi-talented, well studied samurai (heck, Tom Cruise is going to go that way)? Or how about a kilt-wearing, grog-swilling highlander with a Claymore the size of Shaq? I guess of all the options, I'd probably go for your classic "heavily armored knight-type" with bastard sword, just waiting to cleave something. Any way you'd look at it, a costume is made better by a sword - it's just improbable anymore because "normal" people tend to be put off by persons carrying large, lethal weapons, Halloween or no.
That's it for our first-ever installment of Reader Mail! Keep those questions and feedback rolling our way, and maybe it'll crop up and become a regular feature for the footnote! As always, thanks for reading!
|
