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If an alien came down to planet Earth, I hope it would get the chance to observe the average American citizen at an average American wedding ceremony. I don’t think there is anything quite as informative about human behavior as being a casual observer to the ridiculous traditions that occur at these events. For example: the bride and groom have presumably spent hours in making themselves look their best for this event. They take the next step down the road of adulthood, proclaiming their love of each other to everyone assembled. After all that has been accomplished, they decide to smash cake into each other’s faces. Um… did I miss something here? Or what about this one: while the bride and groom endure the tortures of the wedding photographer, the guests assemble outside and are supplied with ammunition (birdseed, rice, bubbles, whatever). They wait around, hungry and anxious to get to the bar at the reception hall. When the overtaxed bride and groom FINALLY get to exit the church, before they get to relax at the bar at the reception hall, they must first run the gauntlet of their ravenous, birdseed-throwing, photo-snapping, wedding-crazed guests. Did this idea come from the same guy who thought up extreme sports?
Obviously some of these traditions do not make any sense, and I think it is high time our wedding traditions were changed. Having been an attendee of not one, but TWO weddings during the past week, I have come up with some timely suggestions for new alternatives to the traditional wedding…er, traditions. I present these to you now, as more enlightened, politically correct options for today’s more forward-thinking couples.
1) Alternative to the Chicken Dance: the Meatless Poultry Dance.
(This is for all of you vegetarians out there.) Naturally coming up with the moves for this one is going to be a bit more challenging than coming up with the Chicken Dance. I mean, any idiot can imitate the movements of the average chicken. It takes a real artist to delve into the subtleties of the meatless poultry patty. And there’s the beauty of it: not everyone will be able to do the dance, so fewer people will be encouraged to make complete and total fools of themselves in front of their family and friends. This saves a lot of uncoordinated white people a lot of needless embarrassment.
2) Alternative to trashing the couple’s car: washing the couple’s car.
Dude - they have spent entire MONTHS getting this shindig together. They put on a show for you. They gave you free food, and often, free alcohol! You were given an excuse to get out of the house, get drunk, and dance like a chicken - er, meatless poultry patty, all night long! The least you could do for them is pull out the freakin’ Windex and give the old Toyota a little shine. Be courteous for Pete’s sake.
3) Alternative to throwing/catching the bouquet: keeping the bouquet.
Actually, throwing the bouquet wasn’t such a bad idea to begin with; it’s a form of recycling, really. But the competitive nature of the battle to win the title of "catcher of the bouquet" - that just tends to bring out the ugly side of the bridesmaids and other female guests. So instead of that, the bride should strive to recognize the intrinsic beauty of each guest - male or female - and the commonality that has brought them all together in celebration on this special day. She can do this by keeping the bouquet for her damn self. This will remind everyone that SHE is the important one today, and they have merely been permitted to assemble here as her guests. Be it because they are related, will be giving her and her new husband a very nice gift, or they would hold it against her for the rest of her life if they hadn’t been asked, they remain subject to her invitation. (This may also help to encourage conversation amongst the guests, as to which category they fall into.)
And there you have it. Wedding alternatives for our modern, more civilized lifestyles. Not to take the fun out of weddings - alcohol and family feuds will still be involved, of course - but just to update some old rituals. I think even our alien observer would approve; after all, these new "traditions" make so much more sense.
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