 I need to learn to play guitar, so I can start a band and make it big, so I can get into movies just like Jon Bon Jovi did. It’s just that simple. It must be that simple. Let’s look at the facts:
1) Jon Bon Jovi is famous. I’ll prove it. Watch. Jon Bon Jovi. You knew who I was talking about, right? See? Famous.
2) Because he’s famous he gets into movies, yes? If you can think of another reason, please, by all means let me know.
3) He became famous because he was in a rock band. Remember the video where he flew around the stage on wires? The spandex? The scarves? The hair? God Almighty, who could forget that hair!
Now, I’m not saying I need to go all out with that kind of panache, and if you’ve ever seen my build you would agree it’s not in my best interest. However, learning to play an instrument would be a good start. Especially if one is looking to start his or her own rock band. "But Tadd," you interject, "Jon Bon Jovi wasn’t exactly a guitar player. Yes, he did play guitar occasionally like in the cowboy song, but that was not his designated station." And you would be correct in interjecting as such. He was a lead singer. But alas, I cannot carry a tune. Not even with gloves and a wheelbarrow. So again, the next logical step is to play guitar, find other guitar players, a drummer, and a singer would be capital, to start the aforementioned rock band.
"Hey Tadd," your friend with Doritos sitting on the couch next to you giggles, "what about Britney Spears? She doesn’t have a band, and she starred in her own movie!" And if I were there in person I would smack your friend in the head and tell him that it should be obvious why I cannot go the route of young Ms. Spears. I am neither female, nor sexy in any context of the word. Talent and/or ability are a moot point here seeing as how it does not apply to said celebrity or myself. Moreover, by definition "pop music" is horrible, trite, disgusting swill (look it up) that I will not be a part of. I may not have morals, but I do have principles, and I’m told those are different things altogether.
So, I reiterate - guitar, band, big, movies. The actual act of playing should be easy enough to learn. I’m not trying to be another Hendrix or Stevie Ray Vaughn. I only need enough skill to do a few solos and wail on the whammy bar. You know, just enough to get me noticed. Then one day, before you know it, some company rep says, "Hey, you know what, he’s not a real great guitar player, but I wonder if he likes snack cakes?" And if you’ve ever seen my build you would agree that’s a fair assumption. Then I spring board form Little Debbie ads to something like a guest spot on Star Search, which gets me into television! From there I start my break away from the band. This prompts a Rolling Stone cover story on why Tadd Branum stepped down from his throne atop the thriving juggernaut of Eight-Pound Tongue. Inevitably, David Ficke will ask me what my future plans are. That’s when I spring it on the world: Branum, Plus Size Model! From there on in it’s just a matter of time, my dear readers. You wait and see. By the way, if anyone has a nice used Gibson for sale, please feel free to leave a message for me at the address below. |
