I was taking a drive across the latest stretch of overdeveloped Ohio the other day, and I saw something that managed to both blow my mind and piss me off at the same time. Taking a turn onto a road I’d not been on in a while, I plum smacked into a brand new big-ass shopping center. That in itself pissed me off, ‘cause no more than a year ago it was a really nice field. A DAMN fine field even - a field I’d be proud to call a neighbor. Now there’s another uneeded piece of crap strip mall there – and there, like some little bug-eating bird on the back of a rhino, was the thing that really blew me away.

There was a fucking IHOP. In Ohio.

Now let’s get something straight – I was raised like any other suburban Ohio kid, knowing certain things to be truth. Ohio weather sucks, the Steelers suck, you can never escape seeing that nasty green bean casserole at a picnic, and the International House of Pancakes exists only south of the Mason-Dixon line. This here’s Waffle House country, and don’t you forget it, son.

Yet, here with its namby-pamby blue sign with white balloon letters is an IHOP. I can’t walk into this place and order something that’s scattered, covered and chucked. I did a recon drive-by of the place and sonofabitch it was full of people. People eating food made by the ENEMY! What’s wrong with you people – don’t you know we WON the Civil War? This isn’t the south, and that’s NOT a Waffle House! What’s next, are you going to start trying to grow cotton in your backyard? Hell no! You gotta stick to what’s right! Get out of that place - I want that pimple on the face of the north to get wiped out like the abomination that it is.

We’ve gotta rally to the banner of yellow and black, and go kick some ass! I don’t CARE if you like pancakes. If you want them that badly, be like any decent person and go to Bob Evans. I don't care if there's a twenty minute wait! You can get your pancakes from a legitimate northern franchise, and you’ll damn well like it.

***

“Ninjas In Da Basement”

What’s that sound?
…
Exactly.
It’s quiet.

     Too Quiet.

Nothing, not even
     a stirring
In the entire
     Gee damn house.

     Fuck dude.

Ninjas? Why would they want us?
What’d be their
          motivation?

Wait!!! Did you hear that?
Like a slice through the
      air?
… Hey, I’m talkin’ to
      you!

Now did you or did you not
          Hear that?

Dude?
…
Dude?

Oh sh--!