I am a superhero. I didn't realize it until just now, but I have superpowers. It's like Bruce Willis in that movie where he finds out he can lift a lot of paint cans but can't swim good. Just like Bruce, I didn't want to believe it at first. It was too much responsibility. Why me? But I must face my destiny. For tonight, for the first time, I discovered who I truly am.
I have the power… to avoid tornadoes.
I know! It sounds incredible! Who would believe it?! Who would believe that I, Thaddeus Estevez, the long lost Estevez brother, would have the power to avoid tornadoes?! I adopted the last name "Branum" to conceal my famous heritage, but now it is no matter!
I came to the realization only tonight when people started calling my house to see if I was all right. "Yeah. Fine. I'm fine," I would say in confusion, not actually knowing I had again narrowly escaped disaster. Then I thought, "Shit. I was just in a fucking tornado and didn't even know it. That's mad luck, yo."
That's when it hit me: Maybe it's not mad luck, yo. I started thinking about all the times I had barely made it out alive… and didn't notice. There was the time I left my dad's house when I was a mere twenty years old to go to my friend's house to secretly have a serious keg party. The sky was full of clouds that were completely black. Blacker than the black of my cold, cold… what was I saying? … Oh, it looked real bad out. And when I got there my dad called and asked if I had made it all right. And I said, "Yeah. Fine. I'm fine." I drank beer until I couldn't see, but that's a completely different superpower all together.
Next was the time when I was in college. It was starting to rain, and I had to walk across campus to get to my next class. I was completely soaked. There was a low murmur in the room as I entered about how bad it was outside and how everyone hoped that something bad would happen so we wouldn’t have class. Halfway through a discussion on Puritanism lightning flashed and the power went out. "Well, screw it. We can't read in the dark," said our professor. We went outside to find trees uprooted and the cafeteria flooded. Someone said, "Dude." Someone else said, "Whoa." I didn't know it then, but my powers had saved the entire class!!
Just last year I awoke and left for work noticing that there was an awful lot of debris and tree branches lying about. The people at work asked me if everything was okay. "Yeah. Fine. I'm fine. Where's the donuts?" This time my powers had saved me, my wife, and our then unborn son!
Now this tonight! The phone rang yet again. At first I thought it was a prank call. It was my buddy Bill Paxton. "Dude, the cow flying over the road was great, but seriously…" He interrupted and told me to turn on the news. And there I was, standing in the window with the phone in hand, tornadoes wreckage all over the place around my house!! I can no longer turn a blind eye to my power, my gift. It must be true!!
I have no choice but to travel the globe in search of tornadoes so that I can then, in turn, avoid them. I must use my power for good. Sure I could turn a blind eye and not avoid a tornado I knew was going to hit a bank or porn shop, but I will not. I will fight on the side of right. I give you people my word: I will do everything in my power to avoid every tornado I can. You have my word… like I just said there in the sentence before. But I will need a superhero name. If anyone has a suggestion, please let me know care of thefootnote.com.
|
