Given the time of year, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve spent a lot of time at church in recent weeks. This in itself isn’t so odd, but when you consider that it’s been at a Catholic church and that I was raised Protestant, it takes on a little different bend. Enough to make Martin Luther do a double take, at least. So why exactly am I playing a Protestant Yankee in Pope John Paul II’s court? Well, I work for a church part-time - have been doing it for several years now and enjoy it quite a bit.
Now, I’ve got a very healthy respect for the Catholic Church, but essentially being an outsider to the dogma, I’ve always been kind of curious about the whole hierarchy of the heavenly host. Bearing in mind that the church as an organization is venerable to the point of having been around at the end of the Roman Empire, I think it’s reasonable to say that it’s perhaps developed a slightly… bureaucratic approach to the way they conceptualize the Almighty and his workers above. I’m referring now to all the Saints that have been canonized throughout the years.
I’m afraid I don’t quite understand the concept of praying to and celebrating all these Saints. Aren’t they really kind of ancillary to the whole religious process? It strikes me as though they’ve become some sort of congressional body that works hand in hand with God - instead of addressing your concerns with the guy in charge, you’ve taken to writing a letter to your congressman instead. Probably you’re hoping that your Saint of choice will somehow grab Jehovah’s ear. See what I mean about the bureaucracy? But at what point did your average Catholic* stop trying to get a direct line of prayer to God? When did things suddenly start operating like some kind of heavenly HMO?
 Random Angel: Thank you for calling Yahweh’s Office, how may I direct your call?
Worshipper: Err… I was hoping to speak with God?
RA: Certainly, what Saint arranged your call?
W: What Saint? No, sorry… I just started praying and I was connected with you.
RA: Oh, okay… when was the last time that you tried to reach us?
W: Gosh, it’s been since… well, last Christmas, I guess.
RA: I see. Well, we’ve made some changes here since then. You now have to have a referring Saint in order to speak with Yahweh.
W: …I can’t just pray to God anymore?
RA: Well, you’re welcome to try, but it really helps if you’ve also got a Saint pleading your case with him. Otherwise it might be some time. I suggest you consult your Saintly Directory to find one that suits you. Saint Patrick is very popular right now, but you might want to try some of our newer Saints. The Pope has named quite a few in recent years, so there’s plenty with open caseloads. Establish a good working dialogue with your Saint, and if he or she can’t help, they’ll get you a line with God Himself.
W: Would it help at all if I told you I prayed a lot to the Blessed Virgin?
RA: Sir, name dropping isn’t going to help you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got the Lamb holding on the other line to check his messages.
All this raises the question of “which Saint is right for me?” A quick search on Google turned up a list of 4,771 Patron Saints on a page called the “Patron Saint Index.” Do you go about choosing one based on your Birthday? If that’s the case, I’ve apparently got the following to choose from: Anne of Saint Bartholomew, Anthony Mary Gianelli, Deochar, Gotteschalk, Habentius, Meriadoc, Landulf of Yariglia, Lycarion, Odo of Massay, Paul of Constantinople, Peter (but not THAT Peter, there are roughly 900 Saints named “Peter” or some variation it seems), Robert of Newminster, and Vulphy. Okay… who ARE all these people? The only one that seems remotely interesting to me is “Landulf of Yariglia” and that’s only because he was on the February, 756 cover of Teen Nordic Heartthrobs (as part of the “Win a date with Landulf” contest). You can also select by region, it seems - although the only one listed for “Ohio, USA” is “Our Lady of Consolation” (again the Virgin Mary, who has more monikers than Puff Daddy AND Prince combined. Although at least here she’s specifically related to “consolation,” which makes sense since it’s Ohio. I want to be consoled for living here all my life, don’t you?). Maybe this is why the more popular method for Saintly selection is praying to one that’s related to a specific cause or problem.
 But still, there’s usually a lot of overlap. If you’re an attorney, for example, there are still six different Saints to choose from (predictably enough, one of whom is also primarily the Patron Saint of Actors, Genesius). Sure, some are obvious choices like picking Jude for lost or desperate causes, or Anthony for animal issues (major ones, not things like raccoons going through your garbage) but on the whole, it’s a really daunting task to narrow it down.
As for me, I guess I better get with the program if I’m going to keep hanging out with Catholics. My choice was actually pretty easy to determine. No, not Saint Cecilia, the Patron of Music, but rather one of the lesser music patrons, Saint Arnulf of Soissons. An easy choice since not only is he a patron of music, but also of brewers (a natural link to musicians), millers (ever look at the ancestry of my last name?), and lost articles (useful after I’ve spent too much time with brew in my hand). Oh yeah… all too easy of a choice. Now if Saint Arnulf could just add “writers” to his resume, I’d have a reason to ask him for help ALL the time.
* When I say “average” I’m referring to those that actively go to mass. Sadly, the reality seems to be that you genuinely “average” Catholic doesn’t do this except on Christmas Eve and Easter.
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