Sometimes I wish I had my own Giant Robot, like in those cartoons from Japan.
If I had a Giant Robot, I would sit upon his shoulder and we’d fly around the world. The time would pass like it was always Sunday evening.
If I had a Giant Robot, we would fight crime and be a benefit to society. We would become known as symbols of truth, justice, and potential copyright violations.
If I had a Giant Robot, we could help rescue beached whales. The salt water would not corrode my Giant Robot, because I’m smart enough to haggle for extra rust-proofing from my Giant Robot dealership.
If I had a Giant Robot, I probably wouldn’t use him for my commute to work, because while he’s a great friend and constant companion, my Giant Robot gets horrible gas mileage in the city.
If I had a Giant Robot, we would try to get a regular bit on Late Night with Conan O’Brien . I think if anyone can figure out how to play a Giant Robot for laughs, it’s Conan. Additionally, I would instruct my Giant Robot’s agent to never, ever return Jay Leno’s calls.
If I had a Giant Robot, we’d fly to Mars and kick it Earth-style with the NASA rovers. We’d booze it up all weekend, but we’d be sure not to contaminate the search for water by breaking the Giant Robot seal.
 If I had a Giant Robot, we would help the Democrats take back the White House. Not by going in with lasers blazing, but rather though the power of the system. I would petition for citizenship for my Giant Robot, and when he became naturalized, he could vote. Maybe not for Howard Dean, but certainly for Wesley Clark, because my Giant Robot would appreciate his military background, what with being a potential weapon of destruction and all. And if my Giant Robot’s crusade failed to elect a democrat, my Giant Robot and I would get all the registered voters in America to sign a petition to impeach the guy in charge on general principle. And they WOULD sign it, because my Giant Robot wouldn’t be afraid of using pressure tactics. And if THAT failed, my Giant Robot and I would travel back in time to the founding of our nation, where we would convince the fathers that instead of an unwieldy Electoral College system, we should elect our presidents based on the idea of “One Giant Robot / One Vote.” Of course, then Al Gore would be President, and he’d probably claim he invented my Giant Robot. I could live with that, though.
Man, I wish I had a Giant Robot. |
