Morning DJs.
They climb upon the walls of my ears like an infestation of cockroaches. In the morning, I want music. And not some peppy, pop-y, perky shit, either. Just vaguely melodic: innocuous enough not to jar my groggy brain, yet providing enough stimulation to remind me that I am in fact in my car driving to work, not still in bed, and therefore I should at least attempt to stay awake.
But no. Instead, all of the channels (around Austin at least) become satanic in the mornings, chasing me down the road with auditory pitchforks. What’s worse, these pitchforks have “personalities.”
There’s the asshole DJ who is paid to be immature and obnoxious. Somehow his threatening and destructive behavior is supposed to be “funny,” and his co-hosts laugh uproariously at his antics while secretly thanking God they are not the butt of his practical jokes (…this time). On the opposite end of the spectrum, there’s the Eeyore DJ who is the butt of every joke, can’t seem to get a date, and either can’t understand why, or never actually expects to get a date in this lifetime. His co-hosts laugh uproariously at his misfortune while secretly thanking God they are not anything like him (they hope). There’s the sex-obsessed DJ with his one-track mind. He overuses the word “tits” on an hourly basis, but can only muster up the guts to say “penis” once a week. There’s the gossip queen with all the latest on Ben and J-Lo. She milks the most insignificant tidbit for hours and, like, hours , because she really has nothing to say. And of course, every morning radio show has to have the token giggly girl DJ. This hybrid of humanity is completely unnecessary in my opinion. Not only is her inane, high-pitched laughter an affront to my ears; the fact that making that annoying sound is her purpose on the show offends every female cell in my body. Puh-leez. If this is your real personality, honey, your father should have eaten you at birth.
If we must have morning radio shows, why can’t we have DJs who act more like the weather man, or the traffic guy? These people provide a service to us listeners. They give us vital information, maybe pop in a sentence or two of levity along the way, and then they leave. Those other DJs? They just fill up time, space, air... Shouldn’t someone be concerned about this waste of natural resources?? I am, and I say: we don’t have enough air to go around for you, guys. Get rid of yourselves, go laugh yourselves into oblivion or dare yourselves to leap off of tall buildings or become apprenticed to Donald Trump; but give me back my air, my info, and my nice, innocuous music. Shit. It’s enough to make you start listening to Yanni.
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