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The Super Bo--- err, can I say that? The BIG GAME is tonight. The pre-game started 3 weeks ago, before the teams were determined. Companies that you have never heard of will be throwing millions of dollars at a 15 second time slot between the Bud Light and Viagra commercials in the third quarter. This summer’s lackluster movies will be highly touted as blockbusters. Pepsi will try to outdo Coke. You will hear the words ‘DOT COM’ more than ‘FIRST DOWN.’ Kid Rock and Beyonce will have concerts on the field. Every grocery store across the world will be sold out of Doritos, Lil Smokies and Velveeta cheese. And at about 6:25 p.m., a coin will be tossed and a football game will break out between the New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers. When the commercials come on, everyone is seated and quiet. When the game is on, there is a line to use the bathroom and someone is refilling the chips bowl. The normal three-hour football scrum turns into a five-and-a-half hour snoozer. And that’s if your guests stay after the halftime show - unless you’re tuning into the Lingerie Bowl on PPV.
Buried beneath all the advertisements and corporate monopolies is a football game that can go one of two ways. The Patriots’ monster defense will outslug the Panthers’ defense and stop their no name offense (led by bruising backs Stephen Davis and DeShaun Foster), and blow out the cats 24-7. Or, the game becomes a punt fest, and the Patriots kick a game winning field goal with three ticks left on the clock to win 10-7. Regardless, the spectacle that this game builds up will not follow through. No one wanted to see the Panthers in the championship. Half of America didn’t even know there was a team in the Carolinas. Jake Dellhomme? Who is he? The Panthers’ field general has gotten the job done this postseason, surprising the Cowboys, Rams and Eagles. After a run like that, they deserve to be playing in this game. The Patriots, on the other hand, did it with defense. They pounded their way to the best record in the regular season, which meant that the Super Bowl went through snowy, freezing Foxboro. They baffled sentimental favorite Peyton Manning and the Colts, and that landed them in Houston.
And for those of you who looked back in the archive at my football picks, I know I had the Panthers 4-12 and one of the worst teams in the NFL. I was totally wrong there. But I did nail eight out of the twelve playoff teams and did have the Patriots finishing 13-3 (they were 14-2). I guess the Titans-Packers Super Bo--- I mean BIG GAME will just have to be played out on my PS2.
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