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February 2004
An Open Letter to Alyson Hannigan
by Dustin Grovemiller |
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Dear Ms. Hannigan,
Let me begin by saying what a pleasure it has been to see your work over the course of your career. While I’ve not seen everything you’ve appeared in, I have enjoyed your skill and depth of performance ability in both your film and television work. I sincerely hope that your hard work will continue to pay off and your star will continue to rise for sometime in Hollywood, and I’m thrilled also at the recent news of your upcoming work in the stage adaptation of “When Harry Met Sally.”
With that being said, I now need to express my deep lament at your recent marriage. Now, while my reasons for feeling this way are certainly selfish ones, I do wish you the best of fortune and happiness in your union to Alexis Denisof. Everyone is entitled to have such happiness; but I don’t think you realized the impact that your entrance into wedded bliss would have upon the world.
Now take for example my plight – for some time now, I’ve casually mentioned to any interested parties that if given the opportunity, I’d probably marry you on the spot. Now, this is of course totally irrational. I can scarcely cobble together a slice of what you might actually be like as a person. Obviously you’re quite physically attractive, which is a good basis for initial interest, but I don’t really know who you “are.” So, hyperbole accounted for, why exactly has your marriage totally crushed my spirit?
 Well, you see – irrational and improbable as it may be, there was always a chance it could actually happen. Say, for example, you happened to end up in Columbus some time and we perchance met at the rock venue where I work. Entirely possible, really, since by the nature of my job I get to meet “famous” people on a regular basis. Now suppose that all the stars are aligned in the right way, I manage to defy the nature of every social situation I’m in, and for a brief shining moment, I become the most smooth, charismatic, desirable person on the face of the earth. You fall for me, I for you, the Red Sox win the World Series, and the universe consequently ceases to exist.
See, I’m realistic to know that this probably isn’t going to happen – but I’m enough of a dreamer to see that if you’re an eligible young woman, and I a young man of the same cloth, that there’s always hope that it could. Stranger things have probably happened. But now with your newlywed status in the way, the initial astronomical odds have been made to be that of finding a fat free Krispie Kreme. Hope – no matter how unlikely – is pretty much lost.
The fact of the matter is, I know I’m not the only one to have a dream like this; even without tangible proof, I can assure you that there are easily hundreds of guys just like me that feel the same way. We all have the same crazy idea, the hope that there’s even a chance that we could marry you. But really, in the end, it’s not about you. Like I said before, I don’t have a clue as to what you’re really like, although I suspect you’re a good, honest and sweet young woman. So ultimately, what I – and all those like me – are hoping for is to end up not necessarily with you, but rather with someone exactly like who we think you are. In a way, the wistful idea of a Grovemiller / Hannigan union is merely a representation of the hope one would have to find that amazing gal they’ve always dreamed of. I’m not in love with you - I’m in love with the idea of you. And when the physical representation of that hope goes and gets hitched, it can really make guys like me crestfallen. Well, there goes another dream dashed to pieces…
So now I hope you understand why I had to write you this. I can only hope that one day those in your position can act with a little more discretion. By all means, as I said before you have every right to be happy… but couldn’t you have done it without telling us? There’s no problem with you being wed and we’re just ignorant of it. I realize that this can be hard with the nature of the modern media, but the reasons are just and good. I encourage you to use your connections and relationships with your Hollywood peers to make the message of the countless guys like myself known – you represent something bigger than just celebrity. You represent the girl that we all want to be with.
Sincerely,
Dustin Grovemiller
on behalf of all guys like me
p.s. – if you read this and appreciate the sentiment, please send me an autographed photo. I’ll put it in my office with the other artist headshots.
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Dustin is a regular writer for the footnote. We'd feel for him, but we remember him going through the same thing when Paige Davis got married.
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