Do you ever wonder how people end up doing the jobs they do? Like, how is it that all the rude motherfuckers get jobs answering phones in the Customer Service Department? The job description should be pretty obvious I would think. They're there to help the customers of whichever multinational earth destroying company that said department is in. They are there to solve problems, yes? Then why is it I always get to talk to that hapless bastard who's just trying to make it through the day? Do they just draw numbers, do you think? A big ass job raffle? Maybe it's like the draft: "Numbers nine through thirty-nine, you're customer service." "Do I have to do anything?" "Nope, just answer the phone and listen to people bitch for awhile then tell them all you can do is take their information."
Speaking of people who don't belong in their current vocation, what's up with fat gym teachers? I'm no Adonis, don't get me wrong, but they teach physical education. Physical education! The last physical exercise these folks had was lifting that "Crave Case" from White Castle for lunch. These are the guys that told me to go out there and run a mile then berate me for being too slow.  Let's see you do some sprints, Coach. I think every gym teacher should have to run the 100-meter hurdles. Can't do it in under fifteen seconds without knocking one down? Don't give my kid shit. Walk the walk, bitches.
Then there are the people that do things that boggle the mind. It's not so much how did they get their job, but why did they get it. For example, the poor sons of bitches that clean septic tanks - I mean, did they actually fill out an application for this job? "You mean I get to drive a truck around and fill it with other peoples’ rotting biological waste? Sweet!" These people need counseling. How much do you get paid to empty a thousand gallon tank full of shit every day? Not nearly enough, I'll bet you that. These people should be millionaires. What about those people who fly airplanes in to the middle of hurricanes to collect "scientific data"? Are you kidding me? I mean, are you fucking kidding me?! There is a fine line between bravery and all out whacko-crazy-bong-bong and these ya-ya's are way on that side of the line. Every one and their mistress is running as far away in the other direction as possible and these geniuses are piloting an aircraft dead nuts into it. These people should get paid in drugs. Let's be honest, they deserve it. I think all wages should be on a floating scale. Those septic tank guys should get, say, $1000 for every gallon of shit they process. Same thing with garbage men – Pay 'em by the pound. Think about how clean everything would be! Every little girl and boy would want to grow up to be a sanitation worker so they could make the big bucks. And we would live in a litter free, antibacterial society. Damn...I think I'm really on to something here. I should probably run for office or something. Except that on my system politicians would make minimum wage.
If anyone has a job opening or would like to be my campaign manager e mail me at the footnote.
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