DJ: Okay, you start if off because I'm tired of starting them off with others...

Dustin: Dude, what the hell do you think I was DOING in those others? I started all of them, too!

DJ: I figured.

Dustin: I say we just sit here and not start it.

DJ: Okay.

Dustin:::twiddles thumbs::

DJ: ::yawns::

Dustin: I actually just got done watching Children of a Lesser God.

DJ: Just for fun? I don't watch movies just to watch them anymore.

Dustin: Yeah, I'd never seen it. I wanted to be enlightened.

DJ: Were you?

Dustin: I really think I was. I'd recommend it.

DJ: Terrific…

Dustin: ::drums fingers on desk::

DJ: Okay! Fine! Hey. We're going to do the last edition of the “Spoiler Warning Summer Movie Series” blah blah blah... Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.

Dustin: OH FOR GOD'S SAKE.

DJ: Dustin, want to say anything before I drop a synopsis bomb?

Dustin: No, no damn synopsis, I'm going to start this the right way….

DJ: Heck with you! Abbott and Costello play freight handlers needlessly not named Abbott and Costello who get a shocking delivery -- COUNT DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER!!! Turns out a house o’ horrors in their town has purchased them as a new attraction. But they’re for reals, see? And the Wolf Man, who is actually a decent, if whiney, guy when not furry wants to make sure these monsters stay out of God’s America! But, of course, he’s too late. What, DGrove? WHAT?

Dustin: Hello! Welcome to -- DAMN IT!

DJ: Yeah, that's the beginning a damn synopsis, dog! Finish it!!!

Dustin: I haven't started the whole “Spoiler Warning” thing off yet!

DJ: Oh, it started a while back, sir. You're already IN IT!

Dustin: I have to do the whole "Welcome to Spoiler Warning, this is the last installment of our Summer Movie Series... blah blah blah" -- no, you TRIED to do it, but it sucked out loud. OUT LOUD!

DJ: It's done. Done! People are already reading. Is this what you want them to read? Or do you want to complete the synopsis like a good Dustin?

Dustin: I'll complete the synopsis, but you just wait and see what happens to your name on this here page from here on out.

Gravy: Why I oughttaaaa...

Dustin: So, picking up from where you left off: amidst all the capering and hullabaloo of Lou Costello being "the funny one," we learn that Count Dracula has a secret plan to revive Frankenstein's Monster and make him his minion! Our hapless heroes become embroiled in the plot, which means that they spend the last act of the flick running around while some other dashing young hero actually saves the day.

Gravy: Well played! So... I'll cut to the chase: What'd you think?

Dustin: Old timey fun! I was never exposed to much Abbott and Costello beyond their classic routines, but my mother was a tremendous Laurel and Hardy fan, so I grew up watching a lot of stuff LIKE this.

Gravy: I hadn't seen Abbott and Costello before either, really, having watched The Three Stooges shorts in heavy TBS rotation before grade school every day instead. But I agree: Old timey fun. I was a little worried because I'm a cynical asshole, but this was fun. Fun!

Dustin: Yeah, I was pleasantly surprised because of the whole "cynical" thing too, although I'm much more of a bastard as opposed to an asshole. But it was really strange to be watching a movie that had this kind of, well... innocence, I suppose.

Gravy: Yeah! It was goofy and fun, fine for the kiddies, but it wasn't really DUMB or anything like a lot of kids' movies today. The important thing was that this really played like an old Universal monster movie... Abbott and Costello just happened to be in it.

Dustin: Absolutely. They're really just the foil for all the monsters, and the thing that really made THAT work is the fact that you've got the classic guys in the roles. It's a really interesting concept that you don't see much anymore, that you can develop a character and kind of take it a little out of genre to do something else. It'd be like Arnold Schwarzenegger's Terminator showing up as a vital plot element in, say, Shaun of the Dead.

Gravy: Yeah, to me it's the same thing that makes Shaun of the Dead work for me while Scary Movie fails. It's more fun to put funny people in a “REAL” monster or zombie movie than to have constant winks at the camera and stuff. They can both work, but I prefer the former.

Dustin: But it's really interesting to go back and look at the body of work that Lugosi, Chaney, and, to a lesser extent, Strange did with these characters. It really was a serial affair for them.

Gravy: To me, that's part of what made it work -- especially Chaney and Lugosi. Man, if they'd been able to get Karloff, it would've been even BETTER! No offense to Strange, but it's true.

Dustin: Well, if you look back, Strange had been playing The Monster for several movies before this. Who knows why Karloff moved on, but you really can't tell the difference. It's like Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper -- or so they would have us believe.

Gravy: See, Diet Dr. Pepper tastes TOTALLY different to me. Strange and Karloff? Okay, it really doesn't make a difference in this movie. Lugosi was Dracula, and all was right with the world.

Dustin: And yeah, Lon Chaney originated the Wolf Man, but I'm not even sure if that matters. It's not like the guy's Michael J. Fox. Lugosi's really the key, yes.

Gravy: Yeah. I mean, Chaney was the man if monster makeup and all that, but his human character is a wet noodle. And his hair makes him look like Shemp from the aforementioned Three Stooges. Lugosi, though... damn! He clearly looked older from his original, classic portrayal of Dracula, but the guy had PRESENCE. It was fun seeing him keep it real yet still play off of Abbott and Costello.

Dustin: Do you think that at some point, Hollywood screen writers made a conscious decision to try and make plots and settings more "true to life"? I only ask that because it seems guys like Abbott and Costello always came about their situations because they were doing kind of unusual things. Now, in this case they were freight handlers -- which isn't that "unusual" so much as ignominious -- but I don't see that mixture of plot points coming together nowadays. Not that this movie would even ever be MADE in these times.

Gravy: It seems like they'd have to be paranormal investigators or something today. I guess back then, it was just about finding the quickest, simplest way to get them in the right place at the right time for the story. Almost haphazard, but it's fun. And it makes sense as much as anything else would.

Dustin: You could almost reverse engineer it, really -- work out what you need to do with the monsters, and then figure out where in their movements would be likely places for these guys to get involved. "Hey, they could be UPS guys?" "Why not, Kevin James is fat, and he plays a guy who handles freight." Or maybe it's just the opposite -- "Hey Kevin James' character needs a job." "Lou Costello was fat and funny, he played a freight handler once." "Run with it!"

Gravy: Not all funny fat guys are the same. That's fattist.

Dustin: I never said Kevin James was funny, did I? I said Costello was funny. Although there's MORE continuity there, because like James in King of Queens, Costello is dating an improbably attractive woman.

Gravy: BUT! There's a certain logic in this case... unlike King of Queens or other TV and real life occurrences. I was actually thinking, when I saw Costello's floozy, "WTF? She's a fairly foxy dame. What's she doing with that brain dead schlub?" Then the PLOT POINT appeared... and I was impressed.

Dustin: Right, and Abbott even made that same point in the beginning of the film. And yes, it all makes sense. The plot is generally pretty airtight, actually. They don't make 'em like they used to.

Gravy: I was so amused, and I'll spoil because we warn of that in the title of this column: Costello makes a big mess of suitcases, getting conked on the head. His lady is concerned and makes sure he didn't hurt his head. Just concerned? No! Dracula's plan is to give Frankenstein's monster a less volatile, simpler brain, and the dame is in cahoots with Drac! She's with Costello for his BRRRRAAAAAIN! And I fell in love with the movie.

Dustin: Yup, it's a good time. Great for weekends, that for sure. I'm a little worried that films like this are going to disappear from memory after our generation. We had the benefit of being exposed to this genre of comedy because of our parents, and after we're gone...

Gravy: But! DVD, man. The movies last forever. And there are always people that appreciate the classics. Honestly, I'm becoming more appreciative due to watching movies I normally wouldn’t because of “Spoiler Warnings” like this one, and I'm glad.