DJ: Hello, brilliant readers of "the footnote," and welcome to the... um... five millionth edition of the "Spoiler Warning Summer Movie Series." For this edition, Krystal Thompson and I will be looking at the 1985 Val Kilmer "classic," Real Genius.

Krystal: Greetings all. I must warn you, while sober, I am on a good deal of cold medicine, some of which includes codeine, so this should be a good time.

DJ: Huzzah! So... Real Genius, huh? I had a babysitter that introduced me to this movie on VHS back in the proverbial day, and I LOVED it. Krystal, why don't you give the readers one of those synopsis things before we get down to the gritty and the nitty?

Krystal: Our heroic and barely post-pubescent main character, Mitch Taylor, is recruited to go to a highly elite school of geniuses wherein he is placed on a top secret laser project with the ever quipping slacker king of geniuses, Chris Knight (Val Kilmer). Throughout our story these brave heroes attempt work on their laser beam while insulting brown nosers, partying, and for Mitch, falling in love with a chick with a moustache. Unfortunately for them, the nefarious Professor Hathaway, for which they are working, is planning on using the laser for evil political purposes, i.e. eviscerating human targets from space. Hilarity ensues as the group realizes his plan and attempts to foil it with Jesus, popcorn, a guy in a closet (literally not figuratively) and witty one-liners. Oh, and of course a snazzy 80s soundtrack to boot. Did I leave anything out fearless leader?

DJ: My heart is sufficiently warmed, as I was prepared to add "hilarity ensues,” but you expertly included it. Well played! Yep, that's what Real Genius is about. Had you seen it before we embarked on this "Spoiler Warning" adventure?

Krystal: I have indeed, countless times. This merely gave me an opportunity to watch it again, this time with purpose! I have to say, this movie is entirely quotable. Val Kilmer's character is enviable. Who hasn't wanted to be the leader of a band of misfits at a genius school? Anyone? Anyone?

DJ: Who hasn't indeed? Kilmer as the titular “real genius” (or is it Mitch? or the dude in the closet? I'm not sure) is really a hoot (yes, a "hoot") to watch in this flick. I don't know if I've ever seen the usually somber Kilmer with so much energy and fun. Sure, he gets "movie cool nerd" annoying here and there, but overall? The guy's hilarious! What happened to funny Kilmer? Where'd he go?

Krystal: Did you ever see his cameo in The Missing as a fat Lieutenant? I think that guy ate him. Neither here nor there, he's good in this. I prefer to think that Good Kilmer died in the production of this film and was replaced by Bad Kilmer as evidenced by his performance in Red Planet, and the fact that he tried to run me over in Austin once. But back to Real Genius -- favorite Chris Knight line?

DJ: Oh, man... there are so many...

Krystal: Make it obscure! I want to guilt anyone who hasn't seen this film into viewing it by feeling they're on the outside of a very cool inside joke...

DJ: This isn’t what I’d call “obscure,” but his insult to brown nosing jerk Kent during one of the many test taking scenes made me chuckle. "Do you mind if I name my first child after you? 'Dipshit Knight' has a nice ring to it." Maybe it was the nonchalant way Kilmer said it.

Krystal: *snicker snicker* Outsiders! You don't get that joke! Sorry, I digress. I enjoyed his rant against all the hard working students. It's long, but to cut to the chase, he calls them moles and trolls and ends with, "There was what, no one at the mutant hamster races; we only had one entry into the Madame Curie look-alike contest, and he was disqualified later. Why do I bother?" Who hasn't felt that when trying to cause mischief? I know there wasn't near enough participation at my last Halloween party. The theme was "Zombie Pirate Hookers." Who could resist?!

DJ: Zombie NINJA Hookers, I guess.

Krystal: Touché! Thanks for pointing out my inadequacies, Kirkbride! Before I cry into my pillow -- Knight: do you think he's believable? And do you like my Larry King style of questioning?

DJ: Only if you're wearing suspenders and thick glasses. Um... no. Nothing in this movie is believable. It's super 80s. It has at least fifty-seven montages, William Atherton as the bad guy, there’s lots of shoulder pad fashion... it's a fantasy on the scale of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I could be wrong. Do you believe in Chris Knight?

Krystal: Wow, you've been waiting to get that one out. Need to lie down on the couch? I did believe in Knight, actually. I think there's one of him in every school and office, although maybe on a lesser scale. Really let's face it, as with most 80's movies, all the characters are more caricatures. The token slacker. The token nerd. The evil professor. I did find one stereotype broken, however. Care to guess?

DJ: Hmmmm... I don't know. Everyone seemed to fit into a category... was it maybe the distractingly creepy looking Gabe Jarret as Mitch Taylor? Freakish "hero" or "co-lead" isn't the norm for these movies...

Krystal: Well, that feeds into it, actually. I was mostly speaking of our "heroine," if she is indeed that -- the boyish Jordan. Even the name is androgynous!

DJ: Ah! Interesting… At one point, I thought her character was supposed to be mentally disabled or something. Yeah, she's a quirky one.

Krystal: She's at the very least manic. I think this movie was intended to feed into every nerd’s dream that they too could fall in love. But it's a far cry from say, Weird Science as far as babe factor. And the "cool" spotlight is clearly stolen by Kilmer's character, so what's the message? You too can be second best?

DJ: Seriously. I'd forgotten how much this focused on Mitch when, honestly, he was the least appealing character. That's my main criticism of the movie. I actually winced a lot when he was on screen. I'm being a jerk, but it's true! I guess he... inspires Kilmer's character or something? I don't know. He's our intro to this world o' geniuses, I guess. Honestly, even though Jordan's a little nutty with, as you pointed out, a bit of a 'stache, I still found her falling for Mitch fairly unbelievable.

Krystal: I agree on both counts. Maybe they needed Mitch as a contrast for the outlandish Chris Knight, although they basically had that in the nerdy, masturbating, and basically useless Kent. I have to ask myself, would I miss Mitch in this movie? I think the answer is “no.” Sure, there'd be no romance factor, but I didn't feel it was needed and what was there was kind of… icky.

DJ: Kent's an 80s teen movie archetype: the ineffectual, ass kissing lackey of the bad guy. But you're right -- if all the time wasted on Jarrett’s Mitch went to Kilmer’s Knight, well... yeah, the flick would be better. Apologies to actor Gabe Jarrett. I feel like, if he Googles Real Genius once a week to read about his glory days of youth and sees this, he's going to go, "What the hell did I ever do to Kirkbride? Why is he so mean to me???"

Krystal: Poor Gabe Jarrett! The kid, while a useless character, did a good job of rounding him out. Fret not, Gabey, your character sucked, but you rocked at sucking!

DJ: He’s gonna cry home to momma just like he did in the movie.

Krystal: There are obviously a lot of items in the movie that require a willing suspension of disbelief. The laser destroys a cinderblock wall, several trees, and a statue -- but pops a bunch of popcorn rather than eviscerating it? The windows are blown out in the house, but then still there? Why would Lazlo be happy with a Bimbo? Maybe she gives him a break from thinking. And to make a nice little loop, how did Kent even get into the school in the first place? I didn't see him do anything of use.

DJ: He is a master ass kisser.

Krystal: This is true. Vain professors need that. Although, let’s get back to the positive because I feel like I'm hatin' on the Genius, and that ain't cool.

DJ: No, no... there are weird flaws and plot holes, like… how can these geniuses have not taken a moment to wonder, "Wait. Ho’d it; ho’d it. We're building a laser? Surely that'll be used for destruction and murder!” It's so obvious that, when they finally do realize it, their rage is hilarious.

Krystal: Smart people are arrogant. The professor says this about Knight, and he admits it. They probably never even thought about the laser’s uses.

DJ: You're right. They say as much in the movie, but... still... it's a LASER THAT PUTS HOLES THROUGH CINDERBLOCKS! I don't know. I guess it's like Einstein and the atom bomb... as an 80s teenage romp.

Krystal: All in all, to wax poetic and seem like an arrogant smart kid, I'd like to draw an amazing parallel. Prepare to be wowed…

DJ: Preparing to be wowed...

Krystal: The movie itself is like the popcorn at its climax. It lacks substance, it's fairly airy and has no nutritional value, but it's fun and people love it! Real Genius is the popcorn at the carnival of my life! Oh yeah!

DJ: Well played. Yes, despite it's goofy, though still occasionally endearing, flaws, Real Genius is a fun flick, and it was a blast rediscovering it all these years after first watching it with the babysitter I was, honestly, too old to need a babysitter (17). Good suggestion, Krystal!

Krystal: Was the babysitter hot? Perhaps, like loser Mitch, you needed to get laid...

DJ: I wasn't her type. Dammit! Without being too forthcoming, I will say that Mitch and I have a few things in common... and it’s not that I’m a real genius, too.

Krystal: Genius no, but a ninja? Perhaps.