DJ: You felt it, too, readers, didn't you? Yes. The Gathering. We've all been drawn here to this “Spoiler Warning” because THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! ... Wait. Where's the Roeper to my (enter random name, anyone from Kevin Smith to John Cougar Mellencamp, here)? Where’s Dustin?

Fingers: There can be only one, bitch. And that's going to be Fingers. Not you, not some other guy called "Mike Hawk"... Fingers. And I'm the Roeper to your fucking Don Knotts.

DJ: Noooo! You're like the Kurgan of "the footnote"!

Fingers: Get whacked... I'm the Freddie Mercury of “the footnote.” I turn this lame ass shit into pure awesomeness.

DJ: Well, you do have the ‘stach.

Fingers: Damn right.

DJ: So, we're babbling about the 1986 fantasy weirdness called Highlander. And, right from the opening credits, I thought, "There's no one who makes better cheesy yet oddly awesome soundtrack music than Queen."

Fingers: Queen fucking rules.

DJ: "HEEERE WE ARE! BORN TO BE KINGS! WE'RE THE PRINCES OF THE UNIVERSE!" It's not as good as “Flash’s Theme,” but it's got it's own fun.

Fingers: It's the best damn thing about Highlander... and you know, I used to like this flick. Seeing it again after a few years... like, college, I think... I thought it actually kind of blew. Really blew.

DJ: I used to like it, too. Hell, I even owned it on DVD maybe five or six years ago. It didn't love it, but it was cheap, and I liked the concept of it. Then I sold it along with many other things for my burrito money. Anyway… Rewatching it for this was just... not good.

Fingers: I couldn't believe the damn thing was made in '86. I would've thought that the effects would be better. I take dumps with better effects.

DJ: It looks pretty low budget, but then I read that Sean Connery got paid one million dollars for his hilariously inappropriate (yet fairly entertaining) casting as Ramirez, an immortal Spaniard who might've been from Egypt... I don't know. He still had Connery's brogue. Anyway, maybe most of the budget went to him.

Fingers: Of all the people in the movie that are supposed to be Scottish, he's not one of them. On the flip side of that, he's the only person in the thing that can act, ya' know? I mean some of the people can sort of do it. Sure as shit isn't Christopher Lambert as the hero, though.

DJ: I always thought it was ridiculous that he was cast as the titular Highlander, being as he's a Frenchman who'd just barely learned to speak English right before filming began. To cast him opposite a well-known Scotsman playing a Spaniard -- it's so bad it's good... then back to bad again. It's a bad 360.

Fingers: But the people that speak English to begin with suck as well. The forensic cop chick who is the love interest? Can you say anything good about that? Don't think I can. Even her boobies kind of sucked when you see 'em.

DJ: Yeah, her acting was cheese. On the whole, too, the movie doesn't even have an "attractive" cast. It's just... shit, man. It's just really, really BAD. The whole thing... We haven't even said what this glorious turd is about yet, have we? Do you think the readers are curious at this point?

Fingers: Not really. We said that Queen rules. That's gospel truth. Even when they're covering "New York, New York," it's good. If I'm gonna have to say something good about the movie, I guess it's that swords are cool. I wish I had some cool-ass swords.

DJ: Okay, just to do this right, because Dustin will likely ask where the hell the synopsis is then call me a woman in some way, I'll just get through it really quick: Highlander is about a weird French guy who is supposed to be Scottish. Back in Braveheart looking days, the Kurgan (Clancy “King Shit Badass” Brown), a big scary dude, stabs him, but he doesn't die. He's immortal. There are lots of them. Spanish Sean Connery is one, one of them likes wrestling, there's an African one... anyway, the problem is that while there are a bunch, there can be only one (just ‘cause). So, in modern times, they all meet in New York to lop each other’s heads off (the only way to kill an immortal, apparently), so that the last one left gets magical powers or something. We don't want Kurgan to win because he's bad and scary. Since MacLeod is the main character, we want him to win. Uh... that's it, right? He has a lot of flashbacks, fights with swords, and... yeah. That's the flick.

Fingers: Wow... you actually kind of pulled that off. Now that you've put that in front of me, how'd you feel about the story part?

DJ: See, it's a bummer, because I think the actual idea is good. There's a lot that could've been explored here. Immortality is fascinating and makes for good stories. Sword fights are cool. Clancy Brown is big and scary-- but it's just all done so TERRIBLY. This is a B to C movie. Just cheese, and that’s fine in and of itself, but I don't think that's what director Russell Mulcahy had intended. This looks to me like it was supposed to be a kickass, awesome, balls to the wall fantasy epic. Instead… it's just kind of retarded.

Fingers: Word. I think that the story took a shot at being good, but it was dragged down by all this other crap that's going on. And it tries to be light and funny in places and that only sort of works. There was that one bit with the duel in Boston where some dickweed is trying to fence with a drunk McLeod and can't kill him... and that might be the best part.

DJ: That was kind of funny, but the BEST part of that particular scene, unless I'm mistaken, is that… shit... what was the name of the immortal African guy in the movie?

Fingers: You mean the black guy?

DJ: Yeah.

Fingers: Oh wait, I think he was actually, you know, FROM there. I thought you were getting all PC on me at first.

DJ: I can’t remember the character’s name... !

Fingers: I think he was one of the ones that could act, now that you mention him.

DJ: Anyway, the best part of that Boston duel flashback is that Connor and the only immortal black guy in the movie are reminiscing about when they first met, chuckling at the memory and whatnot... then it goes to that flashback, and... the immortal black guy isn't even in it!

Fingers: Heh, you're right-- I don't think he is. And he's African. Don't understand why it's got to be about color with you, man.

DJ: I just for the life of me can't remember his name, and that’s an easy way to describe him seeing as how the cast is almost entirely white! Anyway, the flashbacks were interesting, but there seemed to be a lot of them, like Connor should really try to live in the here and the now.

Fingers: Screw that, the here and now in this flick sucks. It's pre-Giuliani New York. He's better off in Scotland.

DJ: While it does look like a "scary" NY, Scotland seemed pretty rough, too. Man, his townspeople, even his woman, really turned on him when he "came back from the dead."

Fingers: Duder, she was a royal beeyatch. I would've taken her head off just on general principle. Be all cryin' for me one minute and saying I'm in league with then devil the next. Fucking fickle-ass woman.

DJ: Exactly! Not cool, not cool. God, this is just a really clumsy movie. I know it was a hit in Europe, became a cult flick here, spawned even worse movie sequels and a couple of TV shows (including a cartoon), and is now a comic book, but... fuck, man, it's really a BAD movie. I feel odd typing this, but... it is. Bad, I mean. It’s just… bad.

Fingers: Okay, so... complete and total fucking write-off.

DJ: See... not completely for me, though. It's weird. It's awkward tonally. The acting sucks. The effects suck. But... the music is good. The concept kicks ass. And there's some goofy fun in it. I don't know why, but even though it SUCKS, I don't hate it. But, despite that, seriously, it really does suck.

Fingers: If there can be only one, I hope to hell this flick ain't it.