Dustin: I'm Dustin Grovemiller, that's D.J. Kirkbride, and this... is SPOILER WARNING!

DJ: For this edition of... SPOILER WARNING... we'll be discussing a hard edge, tough as nails thriller called... Get Carter.

Dustin:... You forgot the theme music, didn't you? There was supposed to be theme music.

DJ: We don't have musical… capabilities at the footnote… Do we?

Dustin: I hate it when you skip production meetings and don't read memos! As this is the first installment of the "Summer Movie Series," there was supposed to be catchy theme music. You were put in charge of that…

DJ: I thought you put me in charge of hats! Hats! I bought nice hats for everyone!

Dustin: … so that when I go "and this... is SPOILER WARNING!" you get the theme music.

DJ: Put this hat on.

Dustin: But no, now it's "this... is SPOILER WARNING!" and I'm wearing a fedora. Looks nice, though.

DJ: Yes. I knew it would.

Dustin: Okay, you're forgiven.

DJ: Now just let me adjust m'bonnet, and... okay. So, Get Carter. The original 1971 Michael Caine cold ass badassery, not the Sly Stallone remake. For reals.

Dustin: If you were watching it at home for the first time and had to guess, you could probably tell by the cinematography. It's... gritty.

DJ: It sure is. The first shot, of Carter staring out the window in the dark of night -- it's a cool ass visual, but I was surprised at how scratched all to hell it was. Didn't anyone remaster this for the DVD? Bah! No matter. Maybe it adds to the toughness and grit of it all.

Dustin: Ah, see. I wasn't even talking PHYSICALLY gritty, I meant, it looked like it came from the 1970s.

DJ: Oh, well, that, too. From the clothes to the hair to the pace to the smoking to the teeth -- this has early 70s all over it.

Dustin: And the nudity! Don't forget about the nudity!

DJ: Indeed! Nudity! Nudity like it ain't no thing. Actually, porn plays an important role in this dark hearted tale of... REVENGE.

Dustin: Naked revenge!

DJ: In Get Carter, Michael Caine plays the unflinching Jack Carter, London gangster and badass. When word comes from his hometown of Newcastle that his brother is dead, Carter knows it wasn't no accident and goes to uncover the truth. And exact revenge. He runs into old school chums, his bro's floozy, and his niece as he tries to piece together what really happened to said bro. As the film's trailer says, "Get Carter... before Carter gets YOU!"

Dustin: And Jesus, does he ever get people. Although the philosophical question is raised: "Is it better to be dead or to be alive and living in Newcastle, England circa 1970?"

DJ: It does look like a pretty beat down town. The weather's almost always gray, which it really compliments the movie's tone. This is a gray movie. No black and white. No real good guys or bad guys. Everyone and everything is a shade of gray.

Dustin: That's very true... There are no innocents, and it's interesting to see how many of the character's paths have crossed at various points. There's little doubt that the source material (in this case, a novel called Jack's Return Home) was good. I do think that it maybe lost a little something in translation, though.

DJ: I can't say. I do think that the pace and long takes of this movie, as well as the matter-of-factness of the proceedings, with everything from the family stuff between Carter and his niece to the revenge plot, might have maybe contributed to that feeling? Maybe?

Dustin: I'm not so sure it was that so much as I actually was having trouble tracking who was who at several points. A lot of that might be attributable to the accents of the native actors combined with less-than-great sound coverage, but I think that there's a general problem of being introduced to a hell of a lot of people during the course of this flick.

DJ: Actually, were a couple of instances where I found myself thinking, "Now... who is he again?" when certain characters were onscreen.

Dustin: I can't say for sure since I've not read the novel, but it’d probably be a lot easier to track the characters in the course of a written narrative.

DJ: Possibly. As for the accents, I rocked the subtitles on this one. And after I watched it, I read that they actually re-dubbed the opening dialogue for US audiences because the accents were so thick. The subtitles throughout really helped me, though, honestly.

Dustin: Damn, I never thought of that.

DJ: I had to, thinking back. I'm just a hillbilly.

Dustin: No argument there. One sort of random point that's related to this... I was actually surprised to find out that Michael Caine always DID sound like Michael Caine.

DJ: Yes. Age matters not. He is Caine. And when Caine is Carter, he is a cold, cold man. That's one of the things I liked about this movie: whether roughing up thugs, having phone sex with his floozy while his land lady listened in, or having a pint at the pub -- the sumbitch just seemed COLD.

Dustin: Total lack of compunction for those that got hurt as a result of him. You can't argue that that man isn't task oriented -- I mean, he's totally hell bent on getting revenge for his brother's life, even at the cost of throwing away everything he's earned in terms of reputation, respect from his thuggish peers, that kind of thing. He even loses his chance to run away with his lover (who is his boss's mistress to boot, if that isn't gutsy enough).

DJ: He's like a machine. Not in a flashy, superhuman way as filmgoers might expect now days. The way he takes people down is, for the most part, very economical and collected. This is great, because when he does lose his cool, it's actually unnerving.

Dustin: Really, it was much a much better film than I was expecting, and the more I've ruminated on it since seeing it, I think I like it even more. I'm not totally jazzed about it by any means, because it's so cold and visually lifeless, but it's a good piece of cinema. Had you seen it prior to this?

DJ: No, but I'd read about it as a great piece of British gangster noir, and that it is. There's something deadened about it, but it has a really cool style. I love the soundtrack, I enjoy the badassery, and there's one moment in particular that proves Carter is, without a doubt, a bastard.

Dustin: Are we talking about the moment, or actually leaving it as a surprise for those that might want to see the film now?

DJ: I was waiting for you to ask me what I was talking about... so… what do you think I was talking about?

Dustin: Did it involve a car going to the river?

DJ: Nope, though, shit, that was cruel!

Dustin: Did it involve a drug overdose?

DJ: Close... one more try.

Dustin: Hmmm.

DJ: But, man... killing that floozy by OD after making her strip in the woods... that was some heartless, shocking shit.

Dustin: Yeah, I'm struggling to think of something worse than those two things. It's not like he killed a bunch of puppies or anything.

DJ: He attacks a man in an area that one man should never attack another man!

Dustin: Yes... Newcastle.

DJ: No. Three words: Extreme ball grabbing.

Dustin: Eh, I think my two instances are worse.

DJ: Then you, sir, either wear a cup, or don't know the pain of sac crunching. When Carter used the rough squeezing technique to get info out of a thug, well, shit, I just knew that all bets were off. I stand by my claim that that was the coldest bit of violence in the movie.

Dustin: To each man his own. Well, unless they're being grabbed.

DJ: And even though this column is called "Spoiler Warning," I don't want to spoil the big shock in the flick.

Dustin: Good call. So, is this a film you'd recommend?

DJ: Yes, I would. I think especially for folks who like noir and hard edged, old school revenge, this is a great flick. And to think, it was from the director that brought you gleefully colorful Flash Gordon! That, aside from the ball grabbing, might be the most shocking thing about Get Carter

Dustin: Damn! That is shocking! Although I suppose I might have been more surprised if you had said Flesh Gordon.

DJ: Actually, that fits better, considering the more lewd elements of Carter.

Dustin: Can't say I'd argue that in the least. So with us packing our bags and leaving for sunnier shores, I'm Dustin...

DJ: ... And I'm D.J....

Dustin: ...and this was... SPOILER WARNING.

DJ: Ba ba! Ba da ba da da da!!!

Dustin: See? Fat lot of help your hats are now.

DJ: The music may suck, but we look awesome. HATS!