Dustin: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to “Spoiler Warning” after many, many wonderful months of recess from the "duo" versions.

DJ: I was playing on the monkey bars the whole time! I love recess.

Dustin: I was more about the foursquare, personally... anyhow, to kick off the resurgence of “classic” “Spoiler Warning,” we've watched a good ol' “classic” of a movie -- Police Academy.

DJ: As I was watching it for this “Spoiler,” I had a startling realization... I don't know if I'd ever seen the first Police Academy before. Oh, sure, definitely 2, 3, 4, and maybe 5... but never the first one.

Dustin: I have to confess, the only reason I thought to do this movie was because Steve Guttenberg was on Dancing with the Stars.

DJ: You saw the Gute dancing, and you thought, "I'd like to see his cinematic breakthrough. See how far he's come... I'll make D.J. watch it, too."

Dustin: Now unlike you, I'm certain I've seen the first one before (although admittedly not as much as two, three, and four). I distinctly remember bits of it that had been "edited for television."

DJ: Haha, yeah. TV has to deal with the fact that good ol' cheesy 80s comedies have to have their swearin' and random nudity, right?

Dustin: Damn straight!

DJ: I never watch movies on network TV anymore, but yeah -- lots of movies I love I first saw that way, with so much censored.

Dustin: That being said... it was pretty much how I remembered it. You want to hit the synopsis?

DJ: The first Police Academy kinda seemed to me like "Police Academy Begins" -- the secret origins of all the characters. Since I vaguely remember seeing and laughing s'darn much at their subsequent adventures, this was kind of like a prequel to me. Basically, some zany "misfits" join the police academy all for their own reasons (a screw up getting one last chance, a gun nut who freaking loves to shoot guns, a rich girl wanting to... meet new people(?) etc.), and due to plot shenanigans, the instructors can't kick them out. Pranks, hijinks, and maybe just a little bit of heroism ensue. Oh, and the old guy from Punky Brewster gets an accidental blowjob.

Dustin: You know, that's a really good way of putting it -- not about the blowjob, but about the fact that it sort of feels like a prequel in that it really is such an origin story. In many ways, you could argue that the few following sequels, at least through four, are much more about telling a story and trying to work through a plot. This seems much more just like a bunch of stuff that sort of happens.

DJ: Yeah, it felt like a weird collection of semi-amusing sketches to me. Didn't really hold together, then there's a random "we need some team work!" ending where, I guess, they become heroes.

Dustin: ...Which they don't even really do, either. I mean, they meet with some degree of success, but really... was it all that spectacular? Meh.

DJ: Nope. The movie ends with a random riot caused by one of the cadets tossing an apple out of a window (right?)... And, I dunno. They stop it. But, yeah, mostly there is a lot of Mahoney just helping people because they could all see from his cut off jean shorts and "One In The Oven" midriff-baring tee shirt on the first day of training that he was the man with the plan.

Dustin: It's really much a vehicle for people to come to Guttenberg and go "Hey, Mahoney, can you help me with this problem?" Although here's a point -- we know that Mahoney is intended to be the central figure in the movie, and really the story is about his redemption from being a misanthrope that's forced to either go to the academy or go to jail into being someone that truly wants to become a police officer to serve the greater good. Although the moment when he actually makes that transition is very, very easy to miss.

DJ: Um... Is it at the very end? During the riot? Or when he helps Hightower learn to drive?

Dustin: I think it's before that -- it's so subtle I may have actually missed it myself. You THINK it's the moment when he's getting Lt. Harris (the awesome G.W. Bailey) to make a call and get him out of the academy, and he changes his mind when he sees Kim Cattrall's character (his love interest) outside of the window, but it happens sometime after that. He decides to stay for her at that point, not for the good of it. OH! I know when it is -- it's after he's been actually kicked out and yet he sneaks onto the bus taking cadets to police the riot. That's when.

DJ: Oh yeah! I remember the cheesy sudden "gee whiz" love moment with the horrible "love sax" music, but I forgot about the whole sneakin' back to help with the random riot thing. That's right. He decides he really wants to be a cop. It gives one chills. Heroism at its Guttenberg-est.

Dustin: Right, and from then on he's like the moral center of the movies up until he stops participating in them.

DJ: Yes. It's the journey of one former cut-off jeans wearing prankster who finds fun, love, and redemption at the... police academy! He learns some lessons along the way, and... maybe we do, too.

Dustin: Wow, that was a hell of a lot more deep than I thought we'd get this with. In a way, I'm kind of proud of us -- it's like we came here as a couple of misfit writers, and this movie has turned us into misfit writers who actually think about character development.

DJ: Also? I make a lot of sound effects with my mouth... BEEP BOP, BOOP BOP, ZZZZ, RZZZZ, ZIP, ZAP, BOP!

Dustin: And besides that, this movie was the most successful film of 1984 in Germany. At least so says IMDB.

DJ: Really? Those Germans love their gun humor, underdogs, and seemingly retarded guys who can make sound effects.

Dustin: You seem kind of hung up on this.

DJ: Seriously, what was the deal with Michael Winslow? I remember loving his character in the sequels, at least when watching them as a kid, but in this one he's just some mentally challenged guy the Gute picks up at the police station. He just couldn't stop making noises, even at weird times like by himself, playing a fake video game. His character creeped me out! Even more than Tackleberry, who shot at people a lot!

Dustin: Yeah, he sort of comes across as being a little socially messed up in the first film -- kind of like he's got a mild case of autism or something. I don't know, but, yes, they significantly developed his character later on.

DJ: So, bottom line: did this movie make you laugh? LOL?

Dustin: No, not laugh out loud. I chuckled occasionally. I was generally entertained. I think it's actually aged well -- in a lot of ways the story itself is sort of timeless, the only thing that's dated are the vehicles and people's civilian clothes.

DJ: For reals? Honestly, I found it to be pretty miserable. I'm assuming my memories of the sequels are clouded by youth, too. It made me laugh in disbelief a couple of times, but... cheese. Moldy cheese, I'm sorry to say.

Dustin: I think there's a definite trend developing that I'm generally more tolerant of this sort of movie, and you're not nearly so much.

DJ: Yeah. Bad 80s comedies don't do much for me. There's something just kind of desperate and weird about them. Also? They scare me. The party scene, with Tackleberry leering at the random topless ladies? Just creeped me out. The Gute's quips? Just seemed annoying and unfunny. You know where I stand with my favorite from the sequels, Michael Winslow, too... Cmndt. Lassard's eyebrows held up, though. They rocked.

Dustin: So I guess that just leaves me the job of asking... Dude -- why you gotta be a hater?

DJ: Did you see the movie? I mean... honestly. Of course, they've gone on to make six more sequels so far and a cartoon, so what do I know? Can't argue with that kind of success.
BEEOP! BOOP! MIRRRR! RUMBLE RIZZLE! ZAMP! BLOP!

Dustin: *GAME OVER.*