Jennifer: My fingers are cold, so I'm having trouble typing.

DJ: Why is it so cold in your castle?

Jennifer: Because castles are drafty. We need to build a fire.

DJ: You should burn peasants.

Jennifer: They make good kindling.

DJ: After you all bathe in their blood, of course.

Jennifer: Yes, to retain our youthful beauty.

DJ: It's just good science.

Jennifer: It's the best kind of science.

DJ: Wizard science. I think that wizards know more than scientists… and doctors. Why there are so many doctor shows and no wizard shows is beyond me.

Jennifer: I concur.

DJ: Now that the Hollywoodland writer’s strike is over, we should create an hour long drama about wizards and how they can heal people in modern society. ER... for Wizards. Wizard ER.

Jennifer: That would be the greatest show ever. Better than Buffy. Better than Battlestar Galactica.

DJ: Yeah! It should be done totally straight faced... like, when people come in all sick, the Wizard chief of magic medicine is all, "We tried everything... leeches... eye of newt... unicorn tears -- nothing's bringing his arm back!" Then the young resident's all, "Mayhap we should try burning him!" And the chief’s all, "That's crazy! It's not wizard-medically sound!"

Jennifer: “Goddamn it, we're going to lose him!”

DJ: “Call in the wood sprites! CLEAR!” (The wood sprites are their nurses... and they sprinkle magic on people.)

Jennifer: We must create this show.

DJ: It'll be a huge hit, and we'll be richer than the gods.

Jennifer: If I were richer than the gods, I'd kick them out of heaven. Then they'd be homeless gods, and they'd beg for my riches.

DJ: There's another show! A half hour dramedy with no laugh track... Homeless Gods. On the CW.

Jennifer: “What if God was ho-ome-less?”

DJ: See! You already have the theme song, and I’m sure Joan Osborne would sing it for the opening credits.

Jennifer: Of course. What the hell else is she doing?

DJ: Awesome. Creating TV shows is easy.

Jennifer: It is. Why aren't there more good ones? I mean, besides BSG.

DJ: Because not everyone's a genius, dude.

Jennifer: Yeah, apparently.

DJ: No Homeless Gods show or movie according to IMDb. Completely original.

Jennifer: Okay, we're set. Wait -- what about Wizard ER?

DJ: No Wizard ER, either.

Jennifer: Let’s roll.

DJ: Holy shit. Two fucking hit shows ready to go. YES! I'm just going to neglect my job now as peace ambassador for the footnote and start writing the Wizard ER pilot while you rock Homeless Gods. Then we can shoot them simultaneously. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but if we can bring Clooney back to TV for Wizard ER, we'll be golden.

Jennifer: I'm going to cast Matt LeBlanc as one of the Homeless Gods.

DJ: PERFECTO! We should cast the shows, then write them.

Jennifer: Good plan. Actually, I'll just get the whole cast of Friends to play the Homeless Gods.

DJ: Sound thinking! And I'll get the original ER cast for Wizard ER! In addition to Clooney, there’s Anthony Edwards, Juliana Margo… um.. leiaoies, Clooney, the other good lookin’ cracker guy, and Eriq LaSalle as Wizard with a chip on his shoulder Peter Benton, and Clooney… yeah!

Jennifer:: Here’s another show, ready to go: Vagina Heart, a new series from the Lifetime Network starring Sally Field, Jennie Garth, Rue McClanahan, and Freddie Prince, Jr. It’s the heartwarming and heart penetrating story of four unlikely roommates, living together in a stylish Manhattan apartment and learning together how to open their hearts… so that men can insert penises into their chests.

DJ: Hit! Edgy, too! I don’t have any other completely developed and ready to go ideas like you…

Jennifer: Well, girls mature faster than boys.

DJ: … but, just off the top of my head, some new show titles for new shows that can easily be written in, like, a couple hours and totally be huge hits: Judo Dogs, The Cosby Show: The Next Generation, Drunk Bar, The Cosby Show: Deep Space Nine, Officer Doctor, The Cosby Show: Voyager, Magnolia: The Series, and The Cosby Show: Enterprise.

Jennifer: You're a baby adult genius.

DJ: Baby Adult Genius should be another show! Or at least a movie of the week.

Jennifer: Done and done and… done.

DJ: I can’t wait to become rich on account of being a total genius.

Jennifer: We are both geniuses, really and truly. I'm going to apply for MENSA. I'm sure I'll get in.

DJ: I'm not even going to apply... I'm just going to tell them I'm in, and they'll be cool with it. Do they have a secret decoder ring? I hope so.

Jennifer: Nice.

DJ: Guess I'll find out soon enough.

Jennifer: Yes. I'm surprised they haven't sought us out already.

DJ: This should be a column for the footnote called, "We're Fucking Geniuses."

Jennifer: Oh, that's good

DJ: We could also solve the world’s problems, of which there are many. The first edition will be all about saving the world from bad TV and then we can move on from there.

Jennifer: Okay, I'll really co-write this with you if you want.

DJ: Dude... we already fucking co-wrote it. I'll just copy this chat, send it to Sir Dustin of Grovemiller, and say: “New column. Fuck you!” [Editor’s note: Deej, you may have noticed that I've run this as a "Remotely." You can suck it, and I hate the fact that I've had to take the time to make this comment because now I'm going to miss the start of "The Fresh Prince of Twin Peaks." - Dustin]

Jennifer: Okay, then make it so, because this should be preserved for future generations.

DJ: Exactly. And I'm sure the intrawebs will be around forever, so future archeologists can discover all this awesome shit.

Jennifer: This will give them insight into our culture. Our genius.

DJ: Their future minds will be blown... the fuck... away! They'll be all, "We didn't know gods roamed the earth in the 21st century..."

Jennifer: And we won’t be homeless gods. We’re going to be rich.