What up, Saint Nick?
Hope 2007 was a good year for you, fat man. Now you have your one workday of the year coming up, so I hope you’re ready. What’s that like, by the way? Sitting on your fat ass and doing nothing all year while tiny slaves labor at your command for 364 days before you steal their glory with your Christmas Eve whirlwind B & E tour? Must be awesome.
Anyway, this is what I want and, honestly, totally fucking deserve:
1. My Braces OFF. Yeah, we all know the song “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth.” Well, I have those -- it’s the plastic and metal ON them that’s my problem. I’m told that after my jaw surgery I might have to have these torture devices on for another six months. SIX MONTHS????? C’mon, Santa. Surely you can do something about that… Got some pliers in that big ol’ goodies bag of yours? How about a degree in orthodontics?
2. A Sense of Entitlement. Some folks genuinely feel like the world owes them whatever they want (instead of faking it like I’m prone to do in this column), which I always found to be an off-putting trait until it finally dawned on me that most of them get their way. How is this? Is it something like “The Secret”? Where you just focus on getting something or wish and wish and wish or whatever, and then you magically get it? I’ve never read the book, but that seems to be the gist. I want to feel that way -- wrapped in a big, red bow.
3. A British Accent. They just sound better, you know? And I don’t mean the ability to fake one effectively, either. I mean just a genuine, natural British accent -- like Dick Van Dyke’s. He’s got a nice, totally real British accent that I’ve always wanted. “It’s a jolly ‘oliday wif’ Maaaarrrryyy!” It just seems like everything sounds more intelligent with a legitimate British accent. That’d be a great Christmas gift, man.
4. Less Space Between California & Ohio -- Or At Least A Quicker/Cheaper Way For Me To Travel To & Fro. This only seeing my family and friends in Ohio once a year isn’t cutting it. I miss them, but I can’t take a lot of time off work to visit them whenever I want, and those plane tickets get expensive! So… what about a cheaper, quicker way to visit the Buckeye State from Hell A, Claus? What do you do with your sleigh and reindeer when it’s not Christmas Eve? Mind loaning ‘em out or something?
5. My Own Transformer. No, not a toy. Those worked when I was a kid, but now that I’m growns up I need a little more, see? That Transformers movie that busted blocks last summer got me to thinkin’ -- how cool would it be to have my own Transformer, Shia LaBeoueouou… oof style? He can keep sweetly retarded Bumblebee -- I want Optimus Prime as my robot BFF! If you can get me an old school red cabined one instead of the undignified flame paint job, that’d be nice. Oh! And he should come with a distractingly hot human female like that Megan Fox -- but a real human, not an impossibly gorgeous CG creation like in the movie. Yeah, Megan Fox as my ladyfriend would be cool, too. Okay, sure, this might count as a 2-in-1, which isn’t allowed, soooo… if I have to choose one… I choooooose… Optimus Prime. That’s right: I’d rather have a Transformer than a beautiful girlfriend… Yeah, I’ll be sure to talk about that in therapy.
So, another year, and another Christmas Wish List submitted for your approval, Santa. Try to, you know, actually GIVE me something on the list this year. Seriously, big guy, why do I waste my time being “good” all year only to be screwed over come reward time. Get your head out of your ass.
Love,
DJ
p.s. Holy hell… a PONY! When the shit am I going to remember to include that pony in my top five??? Why only five wishes, Santa? Who came up with this rule? Was me it me or you? Probably me since I’m the only real one… I’m an idiot.
