It’s that time again, kids. The holidays are rolling in full force this year, with Santa next to the leftover black cats and skulls at Walmart and the Red Bucketed North Pole Warriors at every storefront collecting your nickels and dimes. I love the holidays. I’m the least curmudgeonly person you’ll find. No "bahs" or "humbugs" coming from me. I have Christmas lights on my Christmas lights, wrapping paper scraps littering the floor, and something fresh and diabetes-inducing in the oven from about November 15th until January 1st. At times like this, it’s easy to forget that we are at war. Now before you roll your eyes, thinking I’ve sold out as yet another protester who’s going to fill your heads with guilt about the men and women abroad, I’m not talking global politics here. I’m talking about that dark headed Christmahannukwanzakah demon, holiday office politics. Normally minding your P’s and Q’s in an office can be important enough. But this time of the year you’re dealing with even more formidable foes. Not only are you avoiding that director who makes sure everyone remains gender and race equal and the office assistant who’s on the hunt for the person who jammed the copier, now you’re also dealing with an entire clone army of ageless, tireless Betty Crockers who are putting a lifetime of guilt into every holiday cookie. I know, because believe it or not, dear readers, I am one.

I avoid many a womanly stereotype. I don’t get PMS, don’t get emotional, and generally avoid talking about my feelings. I’m not easily offended, don’t misread everything a man says, and generally could care less about who’s wearing what and the latest thing in hair care products. Every year, however, I become overrun with this holiday obsession. My house has to be spotless at Christmas for the visitors we probably won’t even have. Every person I’ve ever spoken to has to have a Christmas card. Each present under the tree has to be arranged artfully and next to only presents with different wrapping paper. Officemates, neighbors, family and friends must all have tins of baked goods. And the freaky thing? I’m happy about doing all this loony stuff. I’ll be up until three in the morning icing sugar cookies and humming “The Twelve Days of Christmas” like a psychotic Donna Reed/Mrs. Claus hybrid. So that tells you where I’m coming from. But if we were to compare this drone of crazy ladies as, oh, say a zombie invasion, I would have just been bitten by comparison. I may be tireless, but I don’t yet eat people. That sort. So really, I’m an outside insider, here to give you the proverbial shotgun to blow the head off the office holiday zombie. Pencils at the ready!

1. Do not exchange gifts with anyone except under specific parameters! If your office does a Yankee swap, pulls someone’s name out of a hat or does a secret Santa, then that’s okay. But do NOT get gift giving craziness started. First you think, “Well, Bob and I work together, and we’re also friends, so I’ll just pick him up this bottle opener that has his favorite team on it. It’s five bucks, right?” WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am defying common syntax exclamation point rules to tell you how wrong you are!!!!!!! No. It will not end there. You will get Bob that gift and then he’ll have to get you one. His gift to you will be ten bucks, because he saw something a little nicer and thought you deserved it for getting him a gift. Then you’ll feel guilty that you spent less, so maybe you’ll pick him up a little something else. Or next year you’ll step it up a bit. Then he’ll feel bad again. And then Kathy will see that you’re exchanging gifts and feel that she’d better get you something in case you got her something, but you didn’t so you’ll have to. Do you see the madness here?! It never ends! Do yourself a favor, if you’re giving someone at the office a gift, they should be more friend than officemate, and it should be given outside the office. And only if you traditionally exchange gifts.

2. Do not bring a fruitcake to work for the holidays. People, no one wants that. No one wants fruitcake. It’s become like a challenge to you crazies! “No one likes fruitcake so I’m going to be the one to come up with a recipe that they do love!” This is not the sword in the stone. You will not be the one to rip the blade out. Let it die. Let fruitcake die. Any food that could also be thrown as an efficient projectile weapon is not really a food.

3. Be discerning if you hold a Christmas party. Invite your friends or your officemates. Not both. If you must invite officemates, stick to the same rules as you would for gift giving. Only if they’re more friends than coworkers. Ask yourself this simple question: “If Mary sees my husband with a lampshade on his head claiming he’s Rudolph and singing ‘Baby it’s Cold Outside,’ will my boss know on Monday?” If the answer is “yes,” either don’t invite Mary or hide the ‘nog from your husband. Unless you think you can get your boss to sing with the lampshade, etc. Then, by all means, party on and grab a camera!

4. Don’t beat people. I know it’s tempting during the holidays. If you’re a happy winter loving holiday person, like me, you want to send the three spirits to every “bah humbug” in the land who’s hating on your snow or grumbling about having to donate to charities. Let it go. If you are one of those scrooges, you want to shove that entire six feet of tinsel down the throat of a caroler. No, no -- not cool. Fight the urge. Drop a quarter in the Salvation Army bucket and feel good about doing something for your immortal soul.

I could go on. Oh friends, I could go on forever. The holidays are the Hundred Years War of the office. We could go into Christmas cards, caroling in the halls, office parties and food days. I could discuss in detail who to avoid in the halls and who to throw a Christmas tree cake at as a peace offering. But this is one lowly column friends. You’ll have to fight those battles for yourself. Happy Holidays and no matter who you are, partake of the loaded 'nog!