For the last edition of “Pure Lard,” I wrote a list of things I wanted for Christmas. This was, like, the third year in a row I’d written such a list for Christmas. And you know what I realized? Yeah, you totally know -- if you’re as smart as I like to think you are…

Lists are easy.

They’re easier than writing a regular column or story or whatever. Lists are, like, a lot quicker to do, and seeing as how I’m on holiday (Does that sound British?) in Ohio for my annual escape from Hell A, I don’t have a lot of time to write this update of “Pure Lard.” The thing is, I’m too egomaniacal at this point in my life to let an update of the footnote go to the worldwide interweb tubes without a “Pure Lard.” I feel as though I must write something.

So, yeah, since this is the New Year’s update, here’s a list of my New Year’s Resolutions for 2008…

1. Never end another sentence with “orrrr…” “So, do you wanna get some fried pickle slices for dinner orrrrrrrrr… ?” Hmm... “orrrr… ?” Um… “orrr… ?”… what? What??? “Orrr…” what, dammit??? It’s just an annoying way to speak, and I do it all the damn time. “Should we go eat lots of cheesy, fried food orrrrr… ?” Bah! I need to either offer a second option with which to follow the “orrr…” or cut out the damn “orrr” all together. (And, yes, I realize both of my examples are food related.)

2. Say “like” less. Another talking related resolution. But seriously, like, what is up with me saying (and writing) “like” all the time? Like, am I a thirty-year-old-man or a twelve-year-old girl? Because it can’t be both. Science has yet to become so advanced. So, it’s one or the other. Fate, years, and life have made me a thirty-year-old man, so, like, “like” as a pointless word (I believe that’s the technical term…) has to be eliminated from my already rapidly dwindling vocabulary.

3. Try… unlike what I’m doing with this “Lard.” Yeah, maybe I’ll just put some “effort” into my endeavors in 2008. Why not? I’ve spent 1977 through 2007 kind of half-assing things. One could argue that it’s time to kick things up a notch. Sure, the fear of failure gives many a lazy person like yours truly a seemingly legitimate reason to avoid putting forth a real effort into achieving certain life goals, but that’s all bull horse’s ass. In 2008, D.J. Kirkbride is going to freaking try for reals. After… after this second cop-out list edition of “Pure Lard” in a row, of course.

4. Offer up my opinions, even if I don’t really have one. This will usually pertain to the dreaded, “What do you want to do?” variety of question usually thrust upon me by various friends and family members. It more often than not involves where to go for a certain meal (depending on time of day), what movie to see or show to watch, or other eating and entertainment related options. I genuinely don’t care if, say, I eat burrito or pizza. I like them both. But that honest “whatever” response usually creates quite a bit of time wasting and even annoyance as somehow decisions seem to rest on my shoulders when my friends or family members really don’t care what we eat or watch, either. So, from now on, I’ll randomly answer “burritos” or “pizza,” depending on what word leaves my mouth first.

5. Wild card. This fifth and arbitrarily “last” resolution can be anything that occurs to me throughout the year. This could involve finances, health (physical or mental), water sports -- whatever might come up in ‘08.

And there you have it. Five ways to better myself for the New Year. If you have any postive resolutions, try to stick to them, but, I mean, don’t feel like you have to tell me about them like I’ve just told you via typed words. I have a monthly column for a famed intratube-web site and had to write something. Unless you have a similar column that needs to be written for a January update and can’t think of anything else to do, how about you just keep a mental record of your resolution(s) or maybe write them in your journal. Something of that nature.

So, eat shit and die, 2007!

Bring on your feeble shit, 2008! I’m ready for you…