First off, to pre-emptively answer the question no doubt raised by the title of this edition of “Footnotes In History,” yes, unicorns freaking existed. While we (by “we” I mean upper level historians and the like) now know some science was involved, it is universally (and multiversally) accepted that unicorns were mostly magic. And like all things magic, they were abused by greedy humans for personal gain until all the magic was gone. A unicorn without magic is a dead unicorn. Or a horse. Anyway, this is totally what our ancestors did with the unicorns (And Unicron, the transforming planet, but… oh, that’s for another column of historical facts.), resulting in the extinction of the majestic horny-headed creature of light and magic and happiness.

See, when it comes to the noble unicorn, our old timey humans were pretty g-damn evil. You won’t read about this in your school history books, but in the days of yore, mankind used the unicorn tears for mystical cures to various ailments and rancid odors.

For many years after the discovery of the existence of unicorns (which happened in, like, 1989) and their magic tears, scientists wondered why unicorns cried so much, because, like most creatures, unicorns don’t cry for no damn reason. But ancient texts and art show that unicorns must’ve blubbered something fierce, so, why all the eyeball leaking?

Recent studies, recorded in certain historical texts and science journals or whatever, have been exclusively dedicated to exploring just how old timey people got their magical unicorn tears… The surprisingly logical answer was that they achieved this by being mean to unicorns. Super mean. Making fun of them with names like “stupid-pointy-head” and calling them “fat” (whether they were or not) -- that kind of shit. Then, when the poor, emotionally abused unicorns couldn’t hold their sadness in anymore, there came the water works.

The tears weren’t the only things ancient man used from the unicorn. Their horns, which a unicorn cannot survive without (basic science there, folks), were fashioned into the most expensive of weapons… and magic dildos. For royalty and whatnot. For queens... and some kings.

And every royal unicorn dildo came with a bag of unicorn tears.