I believe I have, from time to time, extolled the virtues of leaving one’s desk, escaping the stress… basically just not doing any work at all. Unfortunately -- unlike in Japan where they have naptime, rooms where you can beat the crap out of each other, and dog tacos -- our bosses here in the U.S. of A. don’t always see their employees sitting around with feet up as a good and productive option. As such, one must know many a good way to leave the desk “with purpose.” One can only claim to have explosive diarrhea a few times a week before it just gets messy and embarrassing for all concerned. Fortunately, in this chapter of my handy compendium o’ officey stuff, I provide you with a healthy and TP-free alternative!
Most large companies offer various kinds of time wasters that they like to disguise with clever code names like “fair,” “seminar,” or “symposium.” Usually these names are reserved for the types of topics that it’s good to teach employees about but are also, however, boring as hell. I’ll skim over the “book fair” for the following reasons: It’s semi-fun, and it wastes time; but it’s usually not considered a valuable use of an employee’s time, and there’s no free shit. Today, rather, I’d like to concentrate on one that’s popular here in the state of cow and tree lovin’ Vermont: the health fair.
There are important rules to wasting time at the health fair, the first of which is that you have to prepare for you time wasting in advance. As soon as you see the signage or email announcing the event, make a big to-do about it. It is preferable to do this in reference to your company and around your boss, i.e. “Sweet! The Health Fair! I heard there are loads of tips on how to design your desk ergonomically and therefore be more productive!” or “I’ve heard they have recipes for high fiber dishes that give you more energy during those daytime office hours!” Keep up these comments as every email reminder is sent. Add it as a daylong event in your Outlook calendar with exclamation points. Discuss it when people talk about their exciting weekend plans. Forward the emails to people who have obviously already gotten them. This will tell your boss that you’re in the right frame of mind for the health fair, and thusly, he or she won’t be surprised when you’re gone for the entire five hours that it’s being held.
The next rule is that you must head to the fair alone. If not, then you must go with another person like yourself who looks responsible but really just wants to get away from the desk. Multiple “company oriented people” at the fair will look all the more serious. If you make small talk on the way, be sure it’s health fair or business related. Do NOT, however, go with someone else in your department. As much as they may like to get away, two empty seats will be quickly noticed, and in the world of slacking off, it’s every fucker for him- or herself! Despite the fact that you’ve made a big to-do about the health fair, don’t mention that you’re going; just slip quietly away. If you must, mention it in reference to other activities going on before or after that might fill your time such as meetings and appointments. You don’t want it to be clear when exactly you left or when exactly you return. Besides, if anyone looks for you, you’ve put it in your calendar as a fail safe. All day calendar events give the calendar owner an excuse to be gone intermittently throughout the entire day.
Always get to the fair after the first half hour but within the first hour. This is when it will be the busiest, but all the free shit won’t be gone yet. It will take you awhile to get to each elaborately decorated presentation board that you’ll be pretending to study. Sign up for every single prize giveaway. Mention loudly that you don’t care about the prize but would love the opportunity to test your knowledge about “our enemy, the cavity” or “multi-colored veggies and you.” Be courteous, and let others cut in line for the presentations. Give an excuse about being a slow reader or wanting to wait and get closer for the next presentation. When you’re offered the pedometers or stress meters, free pens, notepads, and sugar free candy, take it on the pretense that you know “someone upstairs who’d love one” or “a colleague who’s been looking for some of these.” Don’t mention specific names. It makes it too easy to figure out that you actually horded all this useless crap for yourself.
While you’re making your way around, grab multiple copies of each and every asinine handout. You’ll want to give them to all of your colleagues and your boss at the next staff meeting. They are hard evidence that you were in fact working while away from your desk. For even better results, just grab one set of handouts, draw pointless arrows, highlight random things, make hastily scribbled notes all over the place, and then hand out photocopies.
Go around the room twice. Ask questions the second time. Mention that you were just walking out the door when you realized you were curious about the amount of milk protein women should get in a day. You can use this time to make those hastily scribbled notes. Just write random phrases that don’t make sense. You can tell the co-workers that you were in such a hurry to get all the information and get back to your desk that you couldn’t possibly get it all down.
On the way back, stop and talk to everyone you see. This is not chatting; you’re at work. This is networking. Network with the janitor about his hound dog if you want; just talk to everyone. If you manage to talk to anyone worth anything, mention that in the staff meeting when you distribute the handouts.
With these tips, you should be gone from your desk for at least five hours and come back with no less than one bag full of pens, notepads, binder clips, and other useless garbage. If not, then you have failed, and you might as well go straight to hell… with no free shit. If you succeed, I’ll see you at the fair. I’ll be the one lurking in the corner asking about trans fats.
