If I were a robot, I'd probably end up being some clunky, boxy thing or a fretting C3P0-style sissy -- as both are examples of the type of human I am. But I'd WANT to be a badass-bot like the one my pal Jason Ericksen drew that's accompanying this edition of “Pure Lard.” Just look at that metal man sumbitch (wherever he may fall on this interweb page). So awesome. I'd like to take this moment to declare that my jealousy for Ericksen's mighty line work knows no bounds. Sure, good for him because he's my friend, and he's talented, and all that -- but WHERE'S MY TALENT??? Sorry, readers. No reason to bring you into this -- it's between me and my god¹. But I digress. Being a robot sounds pretty appealing to me, truth be told. There are a variety of reasons, but the main one is also why Data² was a frakking³ idiot. "Waaaah... I want emotions." Retard.

Number 1: Isn't "want" or “desire” an emotion?

Number 2: Who the frak⁴ would want the life hampering drudgery of all the gut wrenching bullshit that comes with emotions? They're a pain⁷ in the ass. Ah, goddamned emotion… that’s the thing most robots (except for the Star Wars ones, oddly enough… and the new school Cylons from BSG… hm…) always think we humans have on them. We feel. Buuuuut… when’s the last time I enjoyed crying, robot? Huh? Sure, we share a similar lantern jaw and contempt for humanity, but do you think that I’d miss my pathetic sobbing? You want to get all sad and boo hoo? Shit, I wish you could. I’d gladly say, “Here, Mister Baddass-bot. Here are my feelings of sadness, failure, fear, and heartache. You can have them. Live it up. Get to blubbering, you fucking baby.”

“Bzzz⁸. But. What. About. Good. Emotions?” asks Mr. Robutt.

“Good” emotions, you questioning metal bastard? Where do all these robot questions come from? It’s very humanlike, isn’t it? Why would a machine ask a goddamn question?

Anyway.

Yeah, okay, there are some good emotions. Obviously. But do they outweigh the bad ones? Does a contented moan after a burrito¹⁰ make up for the pain of [insert tons of painful things here]? No. It doesn’t.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have the facts of life.¹¹

You want that, Señor Robo? I’d rather have the super strength, metal body, amazing weapons, superior intellect, nigh immortality, and sadness free existence.

Can we trade?

 

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¹ Odin.

² From a television show called Star Trek: The Next Generation for those of you who go outside and/or get laid. I’m kidding, not all Trekkies are like… um… me. Go away.

³ "Frak" is a sci-fi stand in for "fuck" on Battlestar Galactica -- both the original and the remake that I'm now just getting into four years after everyone else who might like it already has. Also see the inference about lack of outside time or getting laid in the footnote above.

⁴ Why the fuck am I using "frak," though? It's a geek word that even older school BSG⁵ geeks probably don't use.

⁵ Battlestar Galactica for the lazy... though, by adding this footnote, I've cause myself much more writing than I would've if I'd just typed Battlestar Galactica in the first frakking6 place.

⁶ Somebody shoot me. With a gun. Or a harpoon. Just make it quick.

⁷ Speaking of pain: Robots seem to not experience that. Awesome.

⁸ This is the robot version of stuttering. Some of them can’t help but “buzz” once in a while. Do you have something to say about it? Are you perfect⁹?

⁹ Fuck no. You’re not. Ass.

¹⁰ Yes, this is all I know of “happiness.”

¹¹ Is this the best part of all of this rambling bullshit “Lard”? Yeah, probably. And no, I didn’t come up it. Those genius-level words are from the theme song of The Facts of Life, written by Alan Thicke¹², Gloria Loring, and Al Burton. Propers.

¹² Damn right “that” Alan Thicke.