China is becoming more and more of a major player in the game called “world power.” They’re smart, resourceful, inventive, and they’ve got a massive population just the right size for gigantic army building. It’s mostly because Macedonia doesn’t have hordes of people to suit up and give guns that they haven’t gotten anywhere. What is their population? Seventy-nine? Eighty? That’s not nearly big enough of an army to do anything but get stomped on.

But China? They’ve got loads of people. This isn’t news, right? I know. I wish that were it, though. The frightening truth is that on a recent trip I discovered China’s secret weapon.

I was roaming around a place called “Japan.” Think islands, raw fish, high-rises. I was trying to take a vacation; you know a little rest, a little sightseeing, a little something different. But let me tell you something: you can’t take a vacation from the truth.

I got off the plane and found it odd that my taxi driver was Chinese, but I didn’t think much of it. I did some souvenir shopping, and at every stall there was a Chinese person hawking their goods. Tour guides, pedestrians, rice farmers? All fairly short, black-haired, and narrow of eye. Wasn’t this Japan? Where were all the Japanese people?

I got tired of all these transplanted Chinese and headed to Korea. Same thing. Chinese people everywhere. Laos, Vietnam, Malaysia. My annoyance soon gave way to clarity when I realized just what was going on here.

These countries are entirely populated by Chinese people. Bicycle-riding communists giggling shyly with their hands over their mouths. And they’re giggling at us, because we have no idea what they’re up to.

Until now.

China, filled with those brilliant red bastards, is storing its army in these secret locations. And that’s a scary thought. We certainly have the best army around, but if these commie punks have enough soldiers to fill up Asia, then we might be in trouble.

If I were trying to pass off a bunch of Chinese as folks from another country, I’d have them sport different hair colors, eat with something other than chopsticks, and perform surgery to change those obviously Chinese eyes. But at this point, the PRC doesn’t seem as concerned with secrecy as they are with absolute power.

In Tokyo, I went up to a prostitute and whispered in her ear, "I know what you people are up to."

She looked at me confused before saying, "Fifty dollars."

Can you believe that? She was trying to bribe me from not reporting this secret. And with a lousy fifty bucks. I know China’s new to this whole capitalism and free market thing, but fifty dollars does not buy my loyalty away from my country. It barely covers my cell phone bill.

I saw one of these extra soldiers, a man in his twenties, working the front desk at Hotel Narita in Japan. I went up to the smug punk and exposed him. I announced to the Brits checking in that he was a member of a hidden battalion -- that he was China’s X factor.

"But I’m Japanese," he said.

"Then how come you look Chinese? Riddle me that."

He shook his head and pretended to tap something into the hotel computer.

I told them that we were outnumbered by the British and that turned out okay for us, so we weren’t afraid of him either. You’d think China would come up with something more creative than adding more people. Kind of a one-trick pony I guess. So what? They got stashes of extra people; America has a big, throbbing heart. America is chock full of badass. Bring on your big ol’ army over here, China, and see what happens.