Negotiations are a necessary evil in my job. Now I can negotiate, quite well as a matter of fact -- I just don’t see the point of it. Obviously the goal is to go back and forth, getting the best deal possible for your side until you reach a “win/win situation,” which is corporate talk for “both people getting screwed, walking away angry, and being even worse the next year.” Equally obviously, you don’t want to just say, “Hey, the most I can pay you is $15,000” because even if it is, you might be able to convince them that all you can spend is $14,000 and then have a grand left over to spend on booze and women and waiting in line for a Wii. Or, in the case of business, you can make a sweet profit for your boss and his boss and her boss to buy more booze, hotter women, and a more decked out Wii. In turn, they may give you a raise or a bonus. This will allow you to purchase a six-pack of Natty Light, a one-legged hooker with no arms, and a nifty Mario Kart skin for a Wii. Someone give me a doctorate, because I’ve just explained capitalism to you, my dear readers. But I digress…

Wouldn’t life be easier if you could say, “Hey, the most I can pay you is $15,000,” and then they’d say, “Okay, well that sucks, but you did what you could,” and everyone would be happy? Or how about, “Hey, here’s the deal, I can afford to pay you $15,000, but let’s tell your boss that we agreed on $16,000 and my boss we agreed on $14,000 and then we’ll take the remaining $2,000 and live like kings in Mexico.” This would of course come with two problems: 1.) The person you’re negotiating with might be an ugly dog-faced person with which you’d care not to rule Mexico. 2.) Mexico would get pretty full, and with everyone living like kings, the value of the peso would go up. Good for Mexico, bad for Kingly (and Queenly) Americanos de los Estados Unidos. Oh… and 3.) Maybe you have a gas problem and burritos = no bueno por la um… digestive system-o. Okay so three problems. Is that so bad, though? In a world full of problems, really, I ask you, is that so bad?

There are a lot of places that claim you don’t have to negotiate. A few car dealerships back in Texas used to advertise, “ONE SIMPLE PRICE!!!!!!!!!!!!” (Obviously the print ads weren’t charging by exclamation point.) This sounds nice, but my theory (and it’s backed up by looking at other car ads ‘cause I goed to colludge so I knows how to resurch) is that the “one simple price” is several grand higher than you’d pay if you negotiated. Oh, it may be less than the asking price at other dealerships, but c’mon, no one pays the asking price for cars! (You three or four readers that just blinked back tears of shock, saying to yourselves, “I paid full price for my VW Bug” -- I’d like to see you after this article. I have a few things you might be interested in purchasing from my couture collection imported directly from Wal-Mart.)

Regardless of all these previous facts, possibilities, and amusing tirades, it seems to be human nature to bargain hunt, negotiate, and do price comparisons anyway. I’m positive that when Ugg the caveman first invented the wheel and attempted to pawn it off on his knuckle dragging troglodyte buddy, Ogg, said buddy probably hooted and hollered, “Eeg, org ungh, ook, Angok aangh!” Translation: “I say, dear man, why on this flat earth would I purchase your stone wheel when Angok down way will sell me a perfectly good wooden wheel for five less melons and three less shells?” To which Ugg would reply, “Whack! Thump.” (Historians tend to disagree as to the actual literal translation of this one, but it is generally accepted that here Ugg beats Ogg with a big motherfucking stick, and Ogg falls down.) This situation was officially the first lesson in buying for quality, not for price.

As it seems I’m pushing it as far as length (don’t be jealous, male audience) allows, I feel I should probably end with a witty conclusion or perhaps a pertinent anecdote. But it’s 3:40 pm, the brain is already on autopilot to make it through the rest of the day, and I really just want a nap, so fuck it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this little lesson on negotiations. If not, I can give you another one, but I can’t go any less than 1,500 words. Okay, okay, 1,400. But that’s my final offer, damnit!