One mediocre morning at work I found my secret stash of food-like goodies to be out of oatmeal, and I didn't want to buy a bowl of already prepared oatmeal from the work food cart because, really, it’s too expensive for what it is, and I was getting sick of oatmeal anyway... and... I like greasy bacony cheesy eggy bready foods that kill hearts. So, I got a bacon, egg, an' chee croissant sando that was sitting right next to the vat of oatmeal at the aforementioned food cart. Yes, I went straight from “helps lower cholesterol and is good for you in every way oatmeal” to “delicious bacony eggy cheesy death sandwiched in a buttery, cholesterol crazy croissant.”
As you may have already predicted, I inhaled it. Why so fast? Two reasons, the first being that I think food tastes better when my mouth is completely full with it, allowing not only my tongue but my upper palette and inner cheeks and gums to touch the unholy delightfulness. The second reason is that I hate eating when people can see me or hear my feral chewing, so I wanted the buttery grease sando ingested before any co-workers showed up. I managed to accomplish that, making my masticating a private affair, but unfortunately, despite the stack of napkins, my hands got all greasy in the highly intense process. I then made my keyboard and mouse greasy as I checked my work email, so, naturally, I had to clean them.
Grease dripping from not only my hands but my mouth and somehow my forehead, I stumbled to the work kitchen, light headed from the deliciousness-induced artery hardening that wasn’t allowing my blood to flow properly from my heart to my brain. Heart tightening, I almost clutched my chest but luckily stopped myself, preventing an unsightly grease stain on my work-appropriate button-down shirt.
After a thorough hand washing, I ran a heap of paper towels under some water and started back toward my desk. I would’ve made it there in only a few seconds if not for what I can only guess was full cardiac arrest.
I awoke on the hall floor right outside the kitchen just as a co-worker wordlessly walked over me to get her morning coffee. Checking my pulse, I concluded that I was still alive. A quick glance at my watch revealed that I’d only been down for a few minutes. Just a small heart attack then -- BUENO.
Back on track, I wiped sweat from my brow, bacony tasting goodness still on my lips, and made it back to my little gray cubical.
The towels weren’t as wet as they should’ve been anymore, so de-greasing the keyboard was more of an ordeal than it needed to be. Stupid coronary blockage messing up my day… Whilst scrubbing the keys and mouse in a haphazard fashion, I must’ve managed to unwittingly open a new email window, but I didn’t notice as I tried to make my keyboard less slippery and my mouse less buttery.
Not satisfied with my cleaning job but bored with it, I quit and tossed the greasy towels next to my wastebasket. I’d aimed for inside the wastebasket, of course, but I’ve long abandoned beating myself up for not being perfect.
Returning my attention to the hundreds of emails in my inbox containing various work requests and demands, I noticed that I must’ve clicked the “compose new email” button when I was cleaning my mouse and then did some typing while scrubbing the keys.
The email was mysteriously addressed to my sister's hotmail account, and in the subject line was "=" and nothing else.
Below is what was typed in the body of the email as I tried to wipe off all the tasty grease from those keys:
"..[]][[[ppppppoiuuytrttttrewqaaaasdfghjkl;'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''./ m,mnnnnnnnnnbbbbbbbbvvvvvvvvcxz `12"
I have a theory it's some secret code, but I haven't been abducted by the government yet, nor have I gained super powers Freakazoid1 style. The former is a relief, the latter a disappointment.
