All right, listen up and listen up but good. I know you all want to have a big invisible man in the sky to look after you. I get that part. I really do. It's nice to think that the invisible man knows everything and oversees literally everything there is and yet is so powerful and all mighty that He also still has time to just love on you some.

Yup. It's safe and warm and comforting, and He's an invisible man in the sky. Believing in Luke Cage as your one true savior tends to make more sense. At least he knows the value of $200!

But no, come on, work with me here. If you do everything right, you go to Heaven. There you are rewarded with kindness and love eternal. Every day is a perfect day, and everyone knows nothing but joy and love. They can all sing, too. And harmonize. They can probably even wax your car. If you had a car in Heaven, which you don't because you have wings. And you can fly everywhere.

Birds don't have cars, why should you? And like birds you'll live in the sky, amongst the clouds. Peaceful and wonderful.

On the other hand, if you are bad at all -- break a single rule, forget to be absolved before you die, not happen to believe just right, whatever it is -- you are banished to a pit of fire, pain, and torture FOR ALL ETERNITY. No second chances. No time off for good behavior. No redemption. That's for the living. No, you are consigned to eternal torment.

That same God who loves you is perfectly all right with damning you for eternity. Even though He believes in redemption, He won't give you any once push comes to shove.

And that's the invisible man you want to follow? He's your pick for peace and kindness? Really? Why? Because He treats the ones upstairs so gosh darned nice?

In a word, to quote Barry Ween: “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.”

That sounds like a bad idea.

I say go back to the Luke Cage concept. Rock out with that shit for a while. But stop tossing up hosannas to this monkey wrench wielding fool.

And stop hiding behind Him! He won't fight your fights for you! He hasn't done that since it rained frogs and shit, way back when. And really, I think He learned His lesson going up against those other gods then.

Oh, don't believe me about the other gods? Why do you think there is a rule that you can have no OTHER GOD before Him? If He was the only one, well that wouldn't be needed. But go read your Bible. For seriously. Read about the escape from Egypt sometime, and how there were magicians!

Exodus 7:11 – “Then Pharaoh also called for the wise men and the sorcerers; and they also, the magicians of Egypt, did in like manner with their secret arts.”

Sorcerers! They drew their powers from other gods.

So I dunno, find another non-temperamental God, or worship Luke Cage. Or something. Fuck.