Greetings, Class of 2007:

Yes, as the calendar turns toward summer, we celebrate the transitions of life. The beginning of bikini season, the anniversaries of certain obscure webzines, and, of course, the end of the school year. And more importantly, it is the time to graduate another crop of skulls full of mush from our high schools and colleges.

So it is my duty, as your faux commencement speaker, to deliver the words that will guide you as you take your first steps into that next brave new world. To be honest, only one very profound thing comes to mind now.

Man, you’re screwed.

No really. Screwwwwed. No hope. Y’all are toast. It’s kinda funny really, in that laugh-or-you’ll-cry sort of way. Excuse me while I compose myself. *gigglesnort*

A-hem.

What’s that? This isn’t the message you came to hear? Sorry! No, wait a minute. I’m not sorry. Perhaps it’s past time y’all heard the truth.

The world on all levels is about power. Others have it. You don’t. (If you happen to be among the lucky few accessing real power, disregard this and move on. Just remember you’re always a lot closer to losing it all and becoming like the rest of us than you think.)

Coming out of high school, there’s an expectation that you will go to college. It’s not for everybody and may not be what you need for your career, but if it looks like at some point “no college degree” will be taken as a mark of failure, you need to at least give it a shot.

Just remember that the classes are only part of what you do there. Not saying the classes aren’t important -- pay attention so you understand why great literature is great, why evolution makes sense, how politicians are ignorant about economics, and how history can show us those mistakes our leaders keep repeating.

But if all you do is study and party (and if you’re not partying I truly pity you), you’re going to be in no position to plug into the world’s power grid.

Granted, one of the better things would be to get into a fraternity, if you can deal with the snob factor or even get in the door. No matter what the frat’s official literature says, the organization serves two purposes: easy access to sex, booze, and drugs during college -- and to plum career opportunities after graduation. Otherwise it’s just a dorm with perverted rituals. But the coochie and cocaine don’t come cheap. You’ve got to come in with money, and I suspect some willingness to sell your soul -- or at least sublet.

Sororities? I don’t know, ladies. Near as I can tell, it’s similar to fraternities with the additional option of getting the best catch from the frats if you opt for your “MRS degree.”

Enjoy college while you can. Especially for us of the geek persuasion, it’s our reward for suffering through high school. But keep in mind that your future employer is not going to be too impressed with your GPA. Get internships. Get part-time jobs with the college. If you’re a writer, start writing. Get on the staff at the school’s paper or radio station.

As a personal aside, please don’t major in newspaper journalism. There are too many of us out there already. If I find myself looking for another job, I have to compete with you young’uns who will work for less pay. Really, don’t.

Of course, just paying for school, you’re screwed from the get-go. Either get loans that will take you years and years and years to repay, or you can get college money through the military. Used to be I’d recommend the Army, when it was relatively peace-time and you got a trip to Europe on Uncle Sam’s dime out of the deal. Nowadays, it’s a potential one-way ticket to Iraq. You can’t even avoid combat by joining the National Guard or reserves anymore; Dubya fixed that.

If you’re coming out of college or skipping that nonsense, welcome to the real world. You can’t get a good job without experience, and once you get some experience, you lose your bid for the next job to a younger person who probably came out of a frat. Health care in America is literally a luxury, so don’t get sick or hurt. The only thing your leaders are doing to prepare you for the global economy is make you paranoid about foreigners, all of who work harder and/or are better educated than you. You have no right to privacy, so all other rights are illusory and revocable at any time. You’re being distracted over the importance of saying “under God” or “in God we trust” when it’s others who decide who and what God is and what He requires of you. The line between dissenting political opinion and heresy is thinning, so God help you if you’re on the wrong side. And technology is progressing at a pace that no matter how much you know, eventually you will be obsolete.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on global warming. The only thing being done about that is wrangling for who gets to profit and power-grab the most from it.

Think I’m too cynical? Think I’m wrong? Prove it. If it all becomes too much and sucks you down, at least you’ll have seen it coming. But maybe you’ll go in with eyes wide open, listening to everybody but trusting nobody, and learn to work the system.

Or better yet, maybe you can find a place apart from the system, maybe above it. From there you can see what is really important, what truths to hold onto, what battles to pick.

That’s where I’m going. If we’re lucky, maybe I’ll see you there.